Рецензия на «Public Baths» (Галина Иззьер)

Amazing work. That was hard I'm sure, but flows like it was easy.

A few places where I had to "consult" with the original for meaning:

"summer splatter on the pond"
"guard the orders"
"So bliss and utter pleasure after / Steam baths unfolds for them in full"

Евгения Саркисьянц   16.03.2015 21:23     Заявить о нарушении
Janya, happy to see your helpful presence)
"summer splatter" - will think more
"guard the orders" -I also had "There, decorations get surrendered./Awards are handed to the attendant" versions. Are those better?
"bliss" line I changed - see

Галина Иззьер   17.03.2015 17:16   Заявить о нарушении
"The cloakroom staff checks in the orders"?

Then I would say, " Are scars, the marks of higher order."

And I wouldn't do Laughter - after", precise rhyme is not as important.

Maybe something like

In there, the shrieks and laughs of women / Are heard behind the wooden wall. / In there, the utter bliss of steam room / Is fully felt and lived by all.

Евгения Саркисьянц   17.03.2015 23:23   Заявить о нарушении
Thanks, I think I'm getting closer. See changes

Галина Иззьер   18.03.2015 03:22   Заявить о нарушении
I think it is better now. The only place where I still stumble is the line break "after / The bath". That is why I suggested a change there.

Евгения Саркисьянц   18.03.2015 12:25   Заявить о нарушении
I was trying to convey author's style (enjambement)

Галина Иззьер   19.03.2015 04:57   Заявить о нарушении
Makes sense! It isn't a big deal really.

Евгения Саркисьянц   20.03.2015 15:49   Заявить о нарушении

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