Рецензия на «Public Baths» (Галина Иззьер)
Amazing work. That was hard I'm sure, but flows like it was easy.
A few places where I had to "consult" with the original for meaning:
"summer splatter on the pond"
"guard the orders"
"So bliss and utter pleasure after / Steam baths unfolds for them in full"
Евгения Саркисьянц 16.03.2015 21:23 Заявить о нарушении
Janya, happy to see your helpful presence)
"summer splatter" - will think more
"guard the orders" -I also had "There, decorations get surrendered./Awards are handed to the attendant" versions. Are those better?
"bliss" line I changed - see
Галина Иззьер 17.03.2015 17:16 Заявить о нарушении
"The cloakroom staff checks in the orders"?
Then I would say, " Are scars, the marks of higher order."
And I wouldn't do Laughter - after", precise rhyme is not as important.
Maybe something like
In there, the shrieks and laughs of women / Are heard behind the wooden wall. / In there, the utter bliss of steam room / Is fully felt and lived by all.
Евгения Саркисьянц 17.03.2015 23:23 Заявить о нарушении
I think it is better now. The only place where I still stumble is the line break "after / The bath". That is why I suggested a change there.
Евгения Саркисьянц 18.03.2015 12:25 Заявить о нарушении
I was trying to convey author's style (enjambement)
Галина Иззьер 19.03.2015 04:57 Заявить о нарушении
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