И. Бродский-С красавицей налаживая связь-English

Dear Evgenia, thanks - I am also not sure about "mud a pond", and "wine a jar" - a rare construction (like "I have friends a ton") which does not seem relevant here.

It's funny to be writing a review to a review, but:
- "with beauty blond" - desn't it require an article?
- "äffair" is usually something secret
- "did time" = "imprisoned" one is enough but probably not both
- what's a "splashing taxi"? splashing what?
- "holding there a sack with wine" hmm, a whole line just to mention a bottle? more likely "holding the blonde" though
- I still hear the diphthong in "there" as 2 syllables, not one
- "My nose is tickled" (BTW, is it good or bad? - in the original легкий, i.e. good) would be parallel to "As for the noses of my folk, it isn't torture" (just kidding :-) what is "ït" though?

OK, I'll try to come up with another variant, more straightforward grammatically.

Thanks again,



Александр Гивенталь   18.04.2011 08:12   Заявить о нарушении

Good comments!

Article not necssary; you can say "spent time" instead of "did time", "splashing taxi" is entirely clear; you can say "keeping" instead of "holding" and yes the part about wine gests longer but you avoid grammatically awkward structures that way. "My nose is tickled" I would keep for sure because that's exactly the original meaning, and it's a normal phrase in English as well meaning the exact same thing; and I agree about the "folk" line - you can say "My folks' concerns are causing me no torture" or something like that.

That said, please don't assume that I insist on my version, not at all, I'm just defending it. But I'm sure you'll think of something better.

Best,

Евгения Саркисьянц   18.04.2011 17:34   Заявить о нарушении

Простите - он не легкий, а невский, но все же ветерок, то есть приятный.

Александр Гивенталь   18.04.2011 20:19   Заявить о нарушении

Sorry - my previous note was a correction to my earlier one.

I am thankful for your version - I am not always sure though why you wanted to make the changes you made.

Did you dislike "spent three years imprisoned" because of the missing object, "I"?

In other places, it seems to me you wanted to be closer to the original. But the original is somewhat cryptic, so it's more important to preserve the hidden meaning than the words.

For example, most likely the line with nostrils (not nose though) is mostly to indicate the location (невский) - that's why in my version it is "the river's breeze" = breeze of *the* river, and not "the river breeze" = the breeze of a river.

Furthermore, the line with the "folks" is the key one; a slight change can turn the meaning of the whole verse 180 degrees. In your version, it sounds like his "old folks" don't bother him (as they usually do? or did when he was in prison? or just because he is young and careless?) What he says is somewhat opposite:
Судьба родных [=loved ones,а не "родни"=folks] сознания не гложет [as it does now, when the poem is written, and when they are far away] - this is the unwritten thought that identifies the actual situation of the poem].

Александр Гивенталь   18.04.2011 21:34   Заявить о нарушении

You could say "concerns for loved ones cause me yet no torture" and of course "the river's" - good catch, I haven't thought of these. As far as nose versus cheeks I think there's a substantial difference. "Nostrils are tickled" (or nose, I've seen it used interchangeably meaning the same thing) means he senses the smell of freedom, the new adventure, the excitement. This is lost if you use "cheeks" instead.

I didn't have any problems with how you expressed the meaning, except for the nose thing :-) - I was only focusing on the flow and grammatical structure; it's simply too complicated as is. You need to do something about it. It needn't be my suggested changes at all if you don't like them, really, I'm not pushing you to use mine. I'm only suggesting because I think the translation is good, it just needs some straightening. I wouldn't even bother think about potential improvements or spend time discussing it if I didn't feel it worthwhile. This translation deserves to be worked on.

Евгения Саркисьянц   18.04.2011 23:50   Заявить о нарушении

OK, how about Variant II:

Securing with a beauty closer links,
Along the walls where years were spent in prison,
Be flying in a cab with bottles' clink
and street-mud splash – what's freedom, if this isn't?

The nostrils are absorbing Neva's breeze.
Concerns for loved ones aren't plaguing senses.
Ah! only a compatriot the essence
of these delightful lines can fully seize!

Александр Гивенталь   19.04.2011 07:15   Заявить о нарушении

Cool. You can say beaut instead of beauty (I think) freeing space for an article, then you can say "a closer link" for a better rhyme, too.
And then maybe "to race the taxi to the bottle clink and street mud splash".

Евгения Саркисьянц   19.04.2011 08:33   Заявить о нарушении

Thanks a lot - I can use this. And your criticism was *very* useful, too. The nose has to go though ...

Александр Гивенталь   20.04.2011 21:12   Заявить о нарушении

Goodbye nose... :-)))

Евгения Саркисьянц   20.04.2011 23:52   Заявить о нарушении

Yeah ... But don't worry: The rhyme, I think, is actually an irony - of a new immigrant, whose phone connection to the motherland is practically non-extant and mail taking two months to return - about American sense of freedom - that appears to him rather a form of captivity (something that only fellow immigrants can understand) and compared to which even simple pleasures of life (rather than the lines of the rhyme describing them) seem charming, even though by the walls of the ever present prison. So, smelling fresh air as a symbol of new opportunities is hardly important.

Александр Гивенталь   21.04.2011 04:48   Заявить о нарушении

Okay, you've convinced me!

Евгения Саркисьянц   21.04.2011 09:54   Заявить о нарушении