Рецензии на произведение «Long-awaited - translation from Лада Миллер»

Valentin

Thank you for kind and constructive comments.
I agree that "fairytale" is better direct translation then "charmed", however I was trying to achieve not only content and image but music, bit and rhythm and to make it as close to the original, so the English reader could see the images and hear the music.

I believe that I have been able to draw the same image of the sky and magic (fairytale life). However I am sure it can be improved.

So your suggestion: "The cOlour of HEeaven was bUrned so intensively" - while closer in direct translation will not be correct as it has to start from the first bit. SkIes have been pAinted reds, gold amAzingly.

Additionally I needed three rhymes for the 1, 3 and 4 lines.

Similar issues with:"This lIfe - fairytAle seems will fAll down Endlessly".

While SEems this charmed lIfe will be Ours bewItchingly, as per required rhythm.



I will try to play a bit more, eg

Crazes of lips, you are testing so tenderly (lovingly)
Hands have pressed petals – rose-smell to enjoy...
Colours of Heaven are burning intensively (so fiercely)
Seems our life – fairytales played endlessly
Obstinate God is a young shepherd-boy.

The endlessly and intensively not a good rhyme, and what about first line?

Thank you again
Nice to meet you

А Н Е Л   12.11.2004 02:24   Заявить о нарушении

Dear Lana,

I am so happy, that you like the translation. I enjoyed the process of translating. Your poems are full of great poetic discoveries.

Love :)))))))))))

А Н Е Л   12.11.2004 14:35   Заявить о нарушении