Fresh wounds contain grains of salt,
At night in dreams I see ears of rye,
Was never afraid of pain or fault
Just lies.
Eternity's post index on cover's body.
Two gypsies in a fast cart in a delf,
Never wished death to anybody
But to self.
В свежих ранах крупинки соли.
Ночью снятся колосья ржи.
Никогда не боялась боли -
Только лжи.
Индекс Вечности на конверте.
Две цыганки в лихой арбе.
Никому не желала смерти.
Лишь себе.
В свежих ранах Вера Полозкова English
© Copyright: Агата Жетем, 2015
Свидетельство о публикации №115051507013
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I have a lot of criticisms for this one. For the most part, it's grammatically convoluted and hard to understand.
"Contain" doesn't work, it sounds like the wounds are some sort of chemical containers.
"At night in dreams" - I think it is more natural to say "in MY dreams"
"Was never afraid" has to be "I was never afraid."
"Just lies" should be "just of lies" - I think - please double check on that.
"Eternity's post index on cover's body" is unclear, I don't think anyone would understand what cover you're talking about and why it has a body. Also, the sentence is incomplete without a verb.
"Two gypsies" also begs for a verb.
"Body" and "Anybody" is not a good rhyme.
Bottom line is, grammar is king. English grammar is very rigid and I have learned it the hard way when no one understood my translations among native English speakers. Make sure you follow the strict grammatical structure. You cannot twist English like you can Russian.
Also, when you try to use some word or structure, I strongly suggest you Google it and see whether this word or structure is widely used for that purpose or if it in fact means what you think it does. You will be surprised. I get surprised a lot. :) For us, the non-native speakers, verifying legitimacy of words and structures is absolutely necessary.
Hope this helps.
Best,
Janya
Евгения Саркисьянц 22.05.2015 00:32 • Заявить о нарушении
"Contain" doesn't work, it sounds like the wounds are some sort of chemical containers.
"At night in dreams" - I think it is more natural to say "in MY dreams"
"Was never afraid" has to be "I was never afraid."
"Just lies" should be "just of lies" - I think - please double check on that.
"Eternity's post index on cover's body" is unclear, I don't think anyone would understand what cover you're talking about and why it has a body. Also, the sentence is incomplete without a verb.
"Two gypsies" also begs for a verb.
"Body" and "Anybody" is not a good rhyme.
Bottom line is, grammar is king. English grammar is very rigid and I have learned it the hard way when no one understood my translations among native English speakers. Make sure you follow the strict grammatical structure. You cannot twist English like you can Russian.
Also, when you try to use some word or structure, I strongly suggest you Google it and see whether this word or structure is widely used for that purpose or if it in fact means what you think it does. You will be surprised. I get surprised a lot. :) For us, the non-native speakers, verifying legitimacy of words and structures is absolutely necessary.
Hope this helps.
Best,
Janya
Евгения Саркисьянц 22.05.2015 00:32 • Заявить о нарушении
Thanks Jenya!
Yes I was thinking about the things you mentioned before and for some reason put the rhythm in top priority or probably I was too much in a rush...
Anyways, here's an update:
Grainy salt's swimming in my fresh wounds,
In my short dreams I see eyes of rye;
I never feared of pain drilling sound
But lies.
Forever's index I remember
Gypsies ride a fast cart in a delf;
Nodody did I wish death's amber
But self.
Thank you so much for your valuable input.
Olga
Агата Жетем 22.05.2015 08:55 Заявить о нарушении
Yes I was thinking about the things you mentioned before and for some reason put the rhythm in top priority or probably I was too much in a rush...
Anyways, here's an update:
Grainy salt's swimming in my fresh wounds,
In my short dreams I see eyes of rye;
I never feared of pain drilling sound
But lies.
Forever's index I remember
Gypsies ride a fast cart in a delf;
Nodody did I wish death's amber
But self.
Thank you so much for your valuable input.
Olga
Агата Жетем 22.05.2015 08:55 Заявить о нарушении