Say a prayer for the restless, destitute,
Living, breathing soul of mine,
You who always had the winning attitude,
Who beheld the light divine.
Pray; and sadly grateful, when the time is right
In return, my story will be told -
How unsettling felt the stifling fire of night,
How the breath of morn was cold.
Not so much in life I saw or realized;
I but waited, sang, and stayed.
Truth is: not a brother have I once despised,
Not a sister once betrayed.
Why'd the Lord then lay the daily, hourly
Punishment that I endured?
Or was it an angel’s way of pointing me
To the light from us obscured?
***
Помолись о нищей, о потерянной,
О моей живой душе,
Ты в своих путях всегда уверенный,
Свет узревший в шалаше.
И тебе, печально-благодарная,
Я за это расскажу потом,
Как меня томила ночь угарная,
Как дышало утро льдом.
В этой жизни я немного видела,
Только пела и ждала.
Знаю: брата я не ненавидела
И сестры не предала.
Отчего же Бог меня наказывал
Каждый день и каждый час?
Или это ангел мне указывал
Свет, невидимый для нас?
Ахматова Помолись о нищей, о потерянной English
© Copyright: Евгения Саркисьянц, 2014
Свидетельство о публикации №114102802090
Свидетельство о публикации №114102802090
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Zhanya, as I wrote - I liked it in general, the meaning, rhythm and rhymes are there. However there are a few places to think about:
- Living soul that drifts unfed - unfed looks quite alien here, not saying that there is none in the original. restless is close, but not authentic.
My suggestion - smth like this:
Say a prayer for my lost and destitute
Soul that is yet/still alive,/Soul that's barely alive/Poor soul that is alive
You have always kept a steadfast attitude,
In a shed you've seen the light.
- How unsettled felt the stifling fire of night, unsettled- weary?
- How ice-cold, the breath of morn. - smth is wrong here: at least How ice-cold - the breath of morn, to mark the missing verb. However it is not good enough, mb smth like:
How was icy-cold the breath of morn - not so great either, but closer.
- Sing and wait – that how I stayed. that's how? I would work a bit on this stanza
- despised - is not the same as hated.
variant:
Of my life I've seen some glimpses merely;
Sang or waited - that's the way I stayed
Not a brother I have hated dearly
Not a sister once betrayed.
- of pointing me - mb better guiding me
Валентин Емелин 30.10.2014 17:34 • Заявить о нарушении
- Living soul that drifts unfed - unfed looks quite alien here, not saying that there is none in the original. restless is close, but not authentic.
My suggestion - smth like this:
Say a prayer for my lost and destitute
Soul that is yet/still alive,/Soul that's barely alive/Poor soul that is alive
You have always kept a steadfast attitude,
In a shed you've seen the light.
- How unsettled felt the stifling fire of night, unsettled- weary?
- How ice-cold, the breath of morn. - smth is wrong here: at least How ice-cold - the breath of morn, to mark the missing verb. However it is not good enough, mb smth like:
How was icy-cold the breath of morn - not so great either, but closer.
- Sing and wait – that how I stayed. that's how? I would work a bit on this stanza
- despised - is not the same as hated.
variant:
Of my life I've seen some glimpses merely;
Sang or waited - that's the way I stayed
Not a brother I have hated dearly
Not a sister once betrayed.
- of pointing me - mb better guiding me
Валентин Емелин 30.10.2014 17:34 • Заявить о нарушении
Очень много всего, я пошла совещаться со своими англоязычными читателями! :)
Евгения Саркисьянц 01.11.2014 16:20 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 01.11.2014 16:20 Заявить о нарушении