Velimir Khlebnikov. Asia

Always a slave, but with the czars’ birthplace
                on swarthy breast
And with the state seal as an earring
                swinging light.
Now a sword-bearing virgin, who never has conceived,
Now a midwife – the hag of strife.
This book you're carefully thumbing through
Holds the calligraphy a sea hand made.
Like a nocturnal ink the people blazed,
Czars’ fusillade's an angry
                exclamation mark,
A comma is the victory of troops,
Fields are elision marks, their fury brave is,
And people’s wrath is dark,
And a parenthesis – a centennial crevice.
 
(from Russian)


АЗИЯ
Велимир Хлебников

Всегда рабыня, но с родиной царей на
                смуглой гру́ди
И с государственной печатью взамен
                серьги у уха.
То девушка с мечом, не знавшая зачатья,
То повитуха - мятежей старуха.
Ты поворачиваешь страницы книги той,
Где почерк был нажим руки морей.
Чернилами сверкали ночью люди,
Расстрел царей был гневным знаком
                восклицанья,
Победа войск служила запятой,
А полем - многоточия, чье бешенство не робко,
Народный гнев воочию
И трещины столетий – скобкой.


Рецензии
"The czars' birthplace upon the swarthy breast"

Why "fastened tight"?

"Virgin who never had conceived"

"The hag of strife"

The listing of the punctuation marks needs to be a little more grammatically aligned to show the structure more easily. For instance,

"you're carefully thumbing through the book
Of hard-pressed scripts handwritten by the seas
Where ink was people sparkling in the night,
Czars' fusillade was meant to be the angry
Exclamation mark,
The triumph of the troops served as the comma,
The dots whose rage came readily were widespread provinces,
The people's wrath for all to see
And the centennial cracks were the parenthesis."

Евгения Саркисьянц   28.10.2014 05:25     Заявить о нарушении
Zhanya, many-many thanks for your work! i really appreciate it, knowing that Kh is not your favorite))
i have corrected the articles, but your suggestion of the restructuring the text does not take into consideration a lot of internal rhymes. See:
уха-повитуха-старуха = tight-midwife-strife
книги той - запятой = through-troops
морей - царей = hand-made-fusilade
nemesis - parenthesis = не робко-скобкой etc etc
not talking about the internal rhythm.

Валентин Емелин   28.10.2014 13:01   Заявить о нарушении
I bet you anything that an English speaking reader will not see or appreciate any of those nearly as much as you do, trust me, but they will get confused by the structure. If I had to choose the lesser of two evils...

Евгения Саркисьянц   28.10.2014 15:24   Заявить о нарушении
yes, you may be right - but that reminds me of an anecdote about Pavarotti:
- hey, this Pavarotti guy is no good - he sings nasally and off-key!
- oh, really? have you been to his concert?
- No, but Rabinovich play-acted him yesterday

Валентин Емелин   28.10.2014 16:34   Заявить о нарушении
I think it's much clearer now. I would still think about the last line, still unclear which is which.

As far as the joke, I completely disagree, I think it is essential to deliver to the reader something that the reader can relate to. If grammatical structures of the two languages are different, it makes no sense at all to shove the Russian structure down and English-reader's throat acting like you're Pavarotti. If the result of my translation is something the reader reads and asks, WTF? - it doesn't mean I have managed to transcribe the great Pavarotti untarnished. It means I failed. Nothing personal, making a general point here. So we have to make sacrifices. Some things WILL BE lost in translation. We just have to choose which, to minimize the damage. That's always been my attitude.

Евгения Саркисьянц   07.11.2014 16:25   Заявить о нарушении
goood:) we are on the same page!
see improved even further))

Валентин Емелин   07.11.2014 19:50   Заявить о нарушении