Masks

When emergency starts, you should put the mask on oneself first.
Let children and elderly panic, until you can take care of them.
Do not look around, hold you mask as a beacon of hope
Feel fresh oxygen filling your lungs, notice the ease of breath.

What no one told me, is that I will go through so many emergencies.
No parents. My boyfriend's addiction. Children drowning in lakes. Rape.
My grandmother saying "it is all your fault" and "it didn't happened".
And every time you will have to put mask on and wait.

I have so many masks now, that I don't remember which one is me.
I have one that is funny, polite one, protective, bitchy, supportive,
The porcelain ones, the ones made of metal, of paper, or stone,
In each situation, emergency, panic, I know which mask to put on.

The time goes by, you find your people and the cocktail of meds,
You try taking masks off, as emergencies getting smaller and smaller.
Take one off. There is one underneath. 
Take one off. There is one underneath. 
Take one off. There is one underneath. 
Take one off. There is one underneath. 
Take one off. There is one underneath. 
How the fuck do I find myself?

Maybe there is no more self left, and all that I am are these masks
And no matter how hard I dig, I will never find one that's me.
I just try to remember, write down, put on display - "Not your fault".
And continue unmasking. One mask at the time.

Budapest, 29/06/2026