The Last Monologue of a Hopeless Soul

I wanted to have my body lain in a snowhite coffin, hardly making it to thirty
But I'm afraid the poison from my gut will spill and make it dirty

Why did you rip off my wings
To show me that I'm not an angel?
Left me alone dissolving like this
You should have let me die in the manger

So when only my corpse remains
Just lay me in the forest
Slit my veins.. without regrets
So I can forever rest

Let the wolves and ghosts swallow
me
Then I'll completely disappear
I chose the Not to Be
(Shakespeare)

This would be like a fever dream
Would feel like I never lived and never died
Because unheard remained my scream
No matter how loud I cried

My life was full of ignorant passers by
And I was ignorant of others myself
Maybe this is the payment for my lies
For the child I killed without thinking how it felt

For those sinful thoughts of mine
I must live like a hologram
Till my death time
Cause that's what I really am

I could heal the scars on my limbs
But how do I reach those on my numb heart?
You'll have to scratch my chest to get it through the ribs
Come on, it's not that hard

I didn't even try to really fix it
So tired of getting heartbroken
Then endlessly having my soul split
I'd rather lie in bed, blue and rotten

There is no exit out of my own head
I resented that I am defected
I still cry and cry but I dread
That even Death will in the end reject me

Should I pray?
Will God help me after all this?
And take me away
If He even exists

I don't know what to think
Deep in my soul I don't wanna change
Like an old boat preferring to sink
Having nothing to give in exchange

My neurones keep aimlessly striking each other
In order to keep me alive
Please help me, dear Father
To pass this borderline

My eyes aren't mine anymore
They stare from a stranger's carcass
Reflecting images of insufferable gore
I'm something between Venus and Mars

Maybe that unborn twin
Would've been much better than me
Would be meant not to lose but to win
Now it's all in vain. There's nothing to see.

Maybe it's only my fault
For letting that heart suffocate
By prejudice and mold
I've always been a renegade
 
Just tear it off me, Holy Bloody
What are you trying to save?
I'm not more than a miserable body
Even if you want me alive and safe

I'm the truly bad one,
Clinging to others like a greedy child
My innocence is gone
I keep a single thing on my mind

Sorry for devouring your life
In order to fill my own with taste
I've taken all I could derive
And now I'm (so) full of disgrace

I guess I'm forever stuck in my bodylike prison
Using everything as a fuel for this illness
I'm so mad that I can't even find a reason
To beg for anyone's forgiveness


Feeling so sick of this trash
I don't wanna know the truth anymore
Please leave me in this cradle full of ash
And I'll be waiting to get reborn


23.07-21.08.2024