My future

I don't know what I'm doing.
Sitting in bed
Hollow silence engulfs me
And there will be no end
Standing up, leave the rest home
To see island of quiet
Paradise for unknowing
Purgatory for us
See my soulmate's calm smile
As he greets me with joy
It should feel pacifying
But my mind is in void
I don't think I deserve it
Nothing can bring me rest
Future is so uncertain
Past replays in my head
Years of nightmarish horror
Blood still staining my hands
There's no way to ignore it
I don't want to forget
Pass to inhuman torment
Starting with my outburst
Killing someone so noble
To keep kindness way through
I spent days near the gravestone
Looking at it with grief
Even though she forgave me
It will not be relief
For I've lived this entire life
In such ruthless affairs
Only knowing how to smite
Staging violence for care
I've destroyed my own future
Just as lives of a lot
Led a path of destruction
Such a meaningless plot
Now I'm silently waiting
For the universe's end
When we'll still be remaining
Drifting in nothingness