Vasilich in the Repaired Elevator

By Boris Bakhmetyev

As I’ve already noted, Cactus Vasilich — who was temporarily filling in for the untimely absent head of the office in his cabinet — was not at all a purely desk-bound manager. He strived to thoroughly understand many things, and to do so, he made sure to visit various places in person. After all, how else could one earn the respect of ordinary people and unquestioned authority among them?

For instance, Vasilich, sitting in his managerial “pot” (as it were), would set off with the head’s secretary, Iskrina Romanovna Kiskova, and her husband, the driver Zvezdoniy, in the official black "Lada Vesta". Provided the car started and didn’t break down, they would go to inspect Moscow districts, including the work of delivery personnel.

After one such successful trip, Vasilich and Iskrina entered the elevator to return to the head’s office on the top floor of the building. There they met the elevator operator, Gorizontiy, who reported to Vasilich that the elevator had just been repaired: the panel with floor buttons had been replaced. Then a technical mishap occurred.

The elevator doors began to close, but at the last moment they would open again. Apparently, the new, more sensitive sensors were reacting to some slight draft. Gorizontiy started waving a special rod along the doors — trying to disperse air currents not accounted for in the elevator’s design. After a while, a mechanical voice sternly demanded that Gorizontiy “clear the elevator doors,” after which they would open once more. This went on for quite some time…

This recurring scene prompted Vasilich to recall an anecdote once told to him by a doctor friend — back when he was still a modest office employee who resembled the head of the office, Yevgeny Vasilyevich, whose spirit now resided within Cactus Vasilich after he fell into a coma. The anecdote, like all medical jokes, was, of course, on the edge of propriety. I’ll try to retell it as delicately as possible:

— A general practitioner got drunk the night before his shift and asked a railway station duty officer he knew to cover for him. And, as luck would have it, a patient came in with an urgent case of diarrhea. The railwayman, attempting to provide urgent care, began waving a red flag in front of the patient. Just like Gorizontiy with his rod by the elevator doors… The patient, holding on for dear life, asked when relief would finally come. The railwayman assured him it would come immediately — because with his red flag, he could even stop trains…

Vasilich’s reminiscence was interrupted by Gorizontiy, who suggested taking another elevator — one that hadn’t yet been repaired.

January 15, 2026