I d Rather Be Addicted Than Alone

A cycle of poems «The Night Won’t Let Me Forget You»

I know it’s toxic. I know it’s wrong.
But your chaos feels like home.
Every warning sign I’ve known…
Still, I pick up the phone.

You crash through doors like thunder rolls,
Half-drunk on wine and broken plans.
You kiss me hard to numb the holes -
Then vanish like you never can.

I clean your mess, I wash your shirt,
I memorize the sound you make
When nightmares pull you from the hurt -
And still, my heart begins to break…
Not when you go - but when you stay.
‘Cause staying means another lie,
Another dawn where I betray
Myself just to keep you alive.

I beg for peace. I crave release.
But freedom cuts too deep, too cold.
Better pain that has a face
Than silence dressed in emptiness and old.

I’d rather be addicted than alone,
Chasing highs in a love overgrown.
Your touch is poison, your words are flame,
But I’d burn forever and call it the same.
Let reason die. Let warnings groan -
I’d rather be broken than face this on my own.

We fight like storms with no release,
Then make love slow beneath the scars.
You whisper, "This is all we’ll get,"
Like love’s a debt collected after hours.

You swear you’ll change with every tear,
Cancel the trip, delete the name.
But by next week, you disappear -
And I still light your favorite flame.

The friends all left. They called it codependence.
Said I was losing who I was.
But who am I without your presence?
Just echoes and a rusted trust.

I dream in colors you destroy,
Wake up craving your cruel tone.
Even hate feels like a joy -
If I don’t have to face life on my own.

I’d rather be addicted than alone,
Chasing highs in a love overgrown.
Your touch is poison, your words are flame,
But I’d burn forever and call it the same.
Let reason die. Let warnings groan -
I’d rather be broken than face this on my own.

Maybe healing isn’t strength.
Maybe it’s just learning how to bleed
In quiet rooms, without a fence
Of someone else’s need.

But God, the nights are long and loud,
When silence starts to scream your name.
And though I know you’re not allowed,
I still press call just out of shame…
For loving someone who can’t stay,
For needing someone who won’t fight.
I’d trade my soul to hear you say:
"I’m yours." Even if it’s not right.

So light the match. Pull me back in.
I know the cost. I’ve paid it twice.
Let logic drown. Let reason thin.
Let this be worth the sacrifice.

‘Cause if the choice is pain or air,
Loneliness or lies that feel like truth…
Then chain me here. Keep me there.
I’d rather be addicted than alone with proof
That I was never really loved at all.