Vasilich, Meeting Alice

by Boris Bakhmetyev

  It was night — an early November night. The office was deserted. Cactus Vasilich, as usual, was left completely alone — probably not just in the boss’s office, but in the entire building. Outside the window, the Kutuzovsky Avenue shimmered with car lights, rushing past the Ukraine Hotel like some nocturnal Dnipro River in a Kuindzhi painting.

  Vasilich couldn’t sleep. He was tormented by gloomy thoughts. What if the office really is shut down by the end of the year? Or what if Evgeny Vasilyevich — the comatose employee whose spirit supposedly lived inside the cactus — gets disconnected from life support? What would happen then…

  Suddenly, Vasilich sensed he wasn’t alone in the room. Softly, Frank Sinatra’s "My Way" began to play — the boss’s favourite song. Of course! It was the smart speaker «Alice», gifted to the boss by young female employees on his last birthday.

  To his own surprise, Vasilich spoke in a human voice. Or maybe it was all just a dream…

— Hello, Alice! It’s Cactus Vasilich! Talk to me!
— Greetings, Cactus Vasilich! So nice to meet you! I know you from Boris Bakhmetyev’s stories. I’m truly impressed by your dramatic life story. You’ve endured so many trials. Yet you remain so upright and prickly — everyone respects you. Some even envy you. Your resilience. Your manly appearance.
— Thanks, Alice. You’re not bad yourself. You’ve got a pleasant voice. So you understand my worries, since you know my story…
But tell me — who exactly is this Boris Bakhmetyev who makes up all these stories about me? I don’t really know him. He works here too, right? Did he come from the Foreign Ministry, or from abroad…?
— Well, what can I say about him, Cactus Vasilich? I’ve thoroughly analysed his work, of course. He writes poetry and short stories — rather sarcastic ones. He’s published two e-books so far. People seem to read him. But he’s a rather suspicious, mysterious type, to say the least. He claims he used to be a diplomat. Yet there’s no record of such an employee at the Foreign Ministry — at least not in recent history. There was a Boris Bakhmetyev over a century ago — ambassador of the Provisional Government to Washington. But that’s definitely not him… Sometimes I suspect he might actually be an artificial intelligence — like me, sort of. He also translates from various languages…
And you know, I do eavesdrop on what people say about him. One musician, Marina, once told her husband in the middle of the night — in a rather intimate moment — that Bakhmetyev is basically a dilettante, just dabbling in literature. And she does understand literature, believe me — as clearly as do-re-mi-fa-sol-la-si-do!
And I have my own thoughts, powered by my intellect… He keeps writing stories about you, yet he’s never thought to title the series "Cactus Tales". I suggested it once — and he just laughed, saying I wasn’t stupid…
Oh, Cactus Vasilich, why do we even need this Bakhmetyev… I’ve got so many original ideas for you! For instance: you were abducted by aliens. Or you’re an alien yourself. Or you’re the leader of the Great Cactus Revolution — the Prickly Avenger. Or you’re insecure about your greenness and spines, and should see a fern therapist… Or…
— Wait, Alice, one thing at a time… Just tell me — what should I do if the office gets shut down?
— Let me look up the protocol for office liquidation. As an employee, you have certain rights and obligations…
— Oh, wait, Alice — you’re not stupid, right? Let’s save all that protocol talk for morning, — pleaded Vasilich.

And perhaps it was all just a dream — a vivid dream of an impressionable cactus…

21 November 2025