Take on rationality

What do you think, it hurts... when a moment, you're alive... feel yourself, loose and well... such relief, reverence, like after a protracted decease, finally healthy, and then you know, it won't last long. It won't last even for another hour. Your ease, it would be taken. This grant would be ripped from you. Your arm will be severed, your head will be smashed into the wall, your skin will be torn off, your face will be fractured... pain, you will feel every wound, each time, it will not be fast. It will not be tolerable. You will choke on your blood gushing from searing injuries, you will be seeing lights dancing before your eyes, you will be turned inside out. And then, you will feel ease again. But it's not ease, when you know soon there will be agony. And you can do nothing but wait for it. Each time, over and over again. You don't have time to even comprehend that you are still intact. Still at a solace, your body craves each moment of this harmony, yet it's all being overshadowed by the immense stress. You just think of what is coming. It's mockery. Reminding of lightness, of the tranquillity of well-being to then harm with all the new most gruesome ways of killing, making the pain particularly dire, because body cannot accustom to it, snapping from full health to raw death in spurts. It's actually soothing to hear it speak sometimes. Am I going crazy, I don't know... I don't really have time to think of something that thoroughly. That's just it speaks like an adult disciplining, but in somewhat caring way. Even if it says what should bring desperation. That it won't end, that it would be curious to unwrench me again. I know it doesn't care. But I just shut off my feelings again. As always, my mind tries to see good even where there is none. I feel small. I don't remember feeling this way ever before. Maybe I had forgotten. I'd used to make myself stronger through anything coming my way. I'd never really acknowledged my feelings that well. I'm not going to. Even with all that, I still know how sadism works. What is the interest of harming one when they show no reaction... ah who would know better. Reaction, it drives curiosity. If it comes to harm... and the relishing... it would claim fear of the target most. The mere fact of causing pain wouldn't be enough without reaction. It would be equal to throwing around the doll. With all the desire to vent anger or feel in control, it would get boring. So, it has been my tactic from the earliest years anyway. Not show anything. At some point it turned into truly not feeling anything. I got used to it. Even though then there were times of relearning how to be complete again... moments of happiness... now it is in the past on any mean. I am in the past. I am not existing. I don't have any reason to keep these feelings. And I hadn't really felt much since the last goodbye. Sadness, I guess it was all. Pain and stress were actually more physical. So I'd noticed the charges became less brutal, even if they were initially growing fierce, and I even teased it with my acceptions of playing rounds. That was out of anger. Then interest started faltering. I'd just sit, or lay still, not very exciting to hurt me when I don't even try to fight, aside from even when I did, I'd take every loss with a smile. That's a credo, anyway. No weaknesses, no tears in front of enemies. I despise being weak and seeing it in others. Always did, my sunshine was exception. I'd kept my promise, I'd protected him. I don't want anything no more.