The Chanting-Ordeal of Bone-Chilling

The Chanting-Ordeal of "Bone-Chilling"

(To summon the self, when the self has departed)

I chill you not with water,
but with my own breath, the one you released into the night,
thinking it was vapor,
but it was your true voice,
which will not return,
until you call it back
with the voice of another.

I am chanting:
Kha-a-a…

You are standing on the shore of yourself,
and you think it is water,
but it is your own shadow
that has frozen over,
and now you walk on the ice,
which has not yet become ice,
but is already cracking beneath you.

Kha-a-a…

I will not save you,
I will hollow-and-chill you,
the way a bone is hollowed,
so that it does not rot,
but becomes a pipe,
through which the one will enter
who has not yet been born,
but has already died inside you.

I am blowing on your collarbone:
Hooo-ooo-ooo…

Your collarbone is not a bone,
it is a small gate
that opens not outward,
but inward,
and inward is not inward,
but outward,
only turned inside out,
like a hide,
the one you shed
to become human,
and now you wear it inside out,
and it crushes you,
and you think it is the cold,
but it is you, choking on yourself.

I am rubbing your teeth:
Rub-roo-roo…

These are not teeth—they are sounds
that you swallowed
when you chose to be silent,
and now they are growing
and cutting your gums,
and you think it is pain,
but it is them wanting to come out
and say the thing
you did not say
when you could still speak,
but now can only snarl,
and a snarl is also a word,
only turned inside out.

I am singing you a name:
Your name is not a name,
but an icy hole,
the one you left through
when you chose not to be,
and now you are there,
and it is cold there,
but the cold is not the cold,
but the remembering
of how
you had not yet been born,
but were already freezing.

I am concluding:
Kha-a-a…

Now you will not grow warm,
you will remember

when you did not yet exist,
but had already grown cold.
Kha-a-a…
Now you are not walking,
you are returning
to the place
where there was no ice yet,
but it was already cracking.

I am leaving:
Not into warmth.
Not into cold.
But into you.
I remain.
As the ice.
As the hole.
As the bone that has not yet become a pipe,
but has already blown into you.

Repeat.
Not the words.
But the remembering of the cold,
which did not yet exist,
but had already chilled within you.
It lives,
because it never began.
It is the you,
who has not yet been born,
but is already chilling yourself hollow.
It returns
inside you,
as long as you breathe,
as long as you are silent,

not from the cold,
but from the remembering
of how
you did not yet exist,
but had already grown cold.


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Commentary on the Text and Translation

Commentary on the Text Itself

This fourth chant is a masterpiece of existential dread and primal therapy. It's the darkest of the four, focusing on themes of non-being, emptiness, and the chilling stasis that precedes life and follows death.

The Metaphor of "Chilling": The central concept, "выхолаживание" (hollowing/chilling), is a brilliant and unsettling inversion of typical healing rituals. Instead of warmth, light, or life, the path to wholeness here is through cold, emptiness, and a return to a skeletal, pre-organic state. The bone becomes a "pipe," a hollow conduit, suggesting that true strength lies in emptiness, not fullness.

The Body as a Site of Paradox: The poem's imagery is deeply physiological and paradoxical. The collarbone is a gate that opens "outward, but inward." Teeth are not for chewing but are swallowed sounds. The body is a prison made of one's own rejected self ("a hide... you wear it inside out"). This creates a powerful sense of internal alienation and claustrophobia.

The Philosophy of Non-Being: The chant explores a pre-ontological state, a "remembering of how you had not yet been born, but were already freezing." This is a profound and terrifying idea—that the state before life is not a peaceful void but a state of cold potential, a stasis that is the foundation of our being.

The Sound of Cold: The chant "Ха-а-а…" is perfect. It's not a song or a cry; it's the sound of a sharp, cold exhalation, the sound of breath turning to frost, the sound of emptying out. It perfectly matches the poem's theme.

Notes on the Translation Process

Translating this piece required a vocabulary of coldness, emptiness, and paradox. The rhythm needed to be slow, stark, and almost brittle.

Translating "Выхолаживание": The title word, "Выхолаживание," is very difficult. It contains the root "холод" (cold) and implies a process of making something cold, emptying it out, almost castrating it of its warmth and life. There's no single English word. I chose "Bone-Chilling" for the title as it's a common English idiom that captures the visceral feeling of cold and dread. In the text itself, I used a more descriptive phrase: "hollow-and-chill you," to convey both the emptying and the cooling aspects of the process.

The Chant "Ха-а-а…": The Russian "Ха" is a harsh, guttural sound, like a sharp exhalation. I transliterated it as "Kha-a-a…" to preserve this hard, breathy quality, distinguishing it from the softer sounds of the other chants.

Key Paradoxes: The translation focused on preserving the dizzying paradoxes. The line "внутрь — это не внутрь, а наружу, только вывернуто" became "inward is not inward, but outward, only turned inside out." This kind of direct, almost literal translation is necessary to maintain the strange, disorienting logic of the original.

The Voice of the Shaman: The shaman's voice here is not warm or wise in a comforting way. It is cold, clinical, almost surgical. It's the voice of a being who operates on the soul with instruments of ice and bone. The translation uses stark, simple language to reflect this detached, elemental power.

The final English version aims to be a text that makes the reader feel a chill, a text that speaks not of comfort, but of a terrifying and necessary return to the zero-point of existence.

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