7 Phrases Indicating Low Emotional Intelligence

7 Phrases a Harvard-Trained Psychologist Says Indicate Low Emotional Intelligence--and How to Do Better

7 Phrases a Harvard-Trained Psychologist Says Indicate Low Emotional Intelligence--and How to Do Better
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These phrases and ideas aren't helping strengthen professional relationships or employee relations. Consider these alternatives.

A huge part of effective management is connecting with employees and establishing relationships based on shared business objectives. It's no easy task, and one potential obstacle is a lack of emotional intelligence, which CNBC contributor Cortney S. Warren, a board-certified psychologist and author of the new book "Letting Go of Your Ex," describes as "the ability to perceive and evaluate feelings accurately in ourselves and in others."

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The Harvard-trained psychologist offered a useful list of phrases and responses that indicate low emotional intelligence, or EQ, and how avoiding these tripwire phrases to help someone understand how to be in touch with and evoke emotion themselves and with other. They can also help you become more attuned to non-verbal cues and regulate your feelings to build stronger relationships.
Here are some classic warning signs of low emotional intelligence:

1. "I'm not changing. This is who I am."
Strong emotional intelligence suggests the ability to evolve as you grow. The absence of this quality, of course, suggests the opposite: Those who have low EQ, tend to be more rigid and resistant to change. "Strong convictions are important, but so is being open to new possibilities," writes Warren.

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"What to say instead: 'I need to think more about what you're saying. I want to be open to feedback about myself, even when it's hard to hear.'"

2. "I don't care how you feel."
Completely ignoring other people's feelings is a sign of low EQ. It suggests an absence of empathy for others--particularly when they are struggling. So, naturally, displaying this kind of behavior makes it hard to develop mutually beneficial, supportive relationships.

What to do instead? Warren suggests saying: "'I'm sorry to hear you're feeling upset. How can I be helpful to you right now?'"

3. "It's your fault I'm feeling this way."
Those who don't immediately look to pass blame or say the outside world is the main reason for negative feelings tend to display higher levels of emotional intelligence. What's more, they understand how their emotions connect to how they internally perceive their circumstances. Nobody else has the responsibility for fixing your emotions. Even negative feelings are an opportunity to understand themselves and set boundaries.

What to say instead? Says Warren: "'I'm feeling very emotional right now. My perception of the situation is that ...'"

4. "You're just wrong."
Emotionally intelligent people seek feedback and think about it carefully, with lots of room for nuance. Instead of getting rigidity, they focus more on understanding the other person's perspective and how it is shaped by their experience.

What to say instead, according to Warren: "'I want to hear your perspective even when I don't see things the way you do. Can you help me understand why you're feeling this way?'"

5. "Stop being crazy!"
Resisting the desire to overreact or taking offense is a strong indication of emotional intelligence. It also suggests a strong sense of self-awareness and self-esteem.

What to say instead, notes Warren: "'I understand you're really struggling right now. Although I hear that you're upset with me, I think that your reaction may have more to do with your past than it does with what I'm doing right now. Do you think that's true?'"

6. "I can't forgive you."
Seeing another's perspective can help in overcoming perceived mistakes.

What to say instead, suggests Warren: "'I'm having a hard time forgiving you right now. But I'm actively working to let go of this resentment and anger, because I'd like us to be able to repair this and move forward.'"

7. "Your feelings are irrational."
People who are emotionally intelligent can put themselves under the microscope just as easily as they can for others.

What to say instead? Says Warren: "'I hear that you have strong emotions right now, and they are valid. I don't fully understand why you feel this way or agree with your perspective on this situation, but I want to. Can you tell me more?'"

These warnings and alternative expressions aren't a word for word guide, nor do they guarantee improved emotional intelligence, but they do point the way to handling stressful professional situations differently. Better results aren't guaranteed, but these suggestions are worth trying.

This post originally appeared at inc.com.

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