Confession of a Ghost. 29. 12. Tricks of Lilith

“CONFESSION of a GHOST”
a novel by Alexandra Kryuchkova
in the “PLAYING ANOTHER REALITY” series

12 BEFORE/29 AFTER. HOUSE No.11

*****The BLACK MOON*****

***
Somewhere in the Universe


The Sun greeted us when we returned to the Ziggurat with the Guardian and suggested going up to the next floor. As soon as we entered the dark hall, the familiar hissing sounded. The Sun immediately illuminated every corner, ordering the Snake to get away, and we sat down at the table in the center.

“Who is the Snake?” I asked the Sun.

“The Black Moon, Lilith, a fiction. On the one hand, it’s a point that marks the place where the Moon is the most distant from the Earth. No light penetrated into this Hall at all, anything could be hidden in its corners. The Black Moon is the bottom of the deep well of the soul, where the repressed from Consciousness is located. One doesn’t want to see it, to be aware of, so one removes it from sight, hides it.”

“Why?” I was surprised.

“The main reason is the fear of pain. The fear of the Future and the Unknown is the same fear of pain. Many say that they are afraid of Death, but, in fact, of the physical pain in the process of leaving the body and the uncertainty of what will happen after.”

“What could be hiding here?” I asked to clarify.

“Suppressed complexes, childhood fears, psychological trauma, nightmares,” the Guardian sighed.

“Why is Lilith the Snake? What is she doing here?”

“The task of Lilith is to provoke the soul to Evil, that is, to awaken the Lower Self,” answered the Sun. “She influences through other people or sets up situations that stir up the dormant at the bottom of the well, like a ball of snakes, and they begin to crawl away. Lilith arranges everything so skillfully, pulls you into the situation that you cannot get out, see no way out, unable to step aside. As if binding your hands and feet and waiting for victory, Lilith causes a strong attachment to the one who is stirring the snakes.”

“On Earth, she is called the first wife of Adam,” the Guardian clarified. “Because of her unwillingness to obey, she ran away, transformed into a Snake and offered the apple to Adam’s second wife. The Lower Self won, Adam and Eve were expelled from Paradise to Earth.”

“What does the conjunction of Lilith with a planet mean? Has she some conjunction at everyone’s passport?”

“Not at everyone’s, of course,” the Sun chuckled. “It stays in the House, in which Sphere temptations await one’s soul. In conjunction with a planet, Lilith, since she has no own energy, tries to connect to the energy of the planet in order to distort, invert its principles, play them out in the worst way, to lead the soul towards Darkness, the Lower Self. The conjunction with Lilith is considered the most vulnerable point.”

“How nice,” I sighed doomed, “and the most joyful in my passport, the long-awaited White Sun will turn into the Black Moon!”

“Rukh, what do I symbolize?” the Sun asked.

“Light. Consciousness. Men and male energy. Spirit. The Higher Self. Vitality.”

“Excellent,” the Sun smiled and added, “Willpower. Stability, independence, self-confidence, activity, sincerity, openness, brightness of manifestation. Spirit, yes, and Creative Spirit too. Spirituality. Meaning of life. Leader and eternal child. In the Sphere of hopes and society, the Sun brings Light to the world. One must transmit the Light for people. They just should to let one shine, rise above the Earth and give Light to the world. Do you understand now?”

“Ugh… no,” I admitted.

“The Black Moon is the Power of Darkness, the Lower Self,” the Guardian clarified. “What happens when Lilith is in conjunction with the Sun?”

“The struggle between the Forces of Light and Darkness? For the soul of a human?”

“Exactly!” The Sun nodded. “When I illuminate the bottom of the well, I raise everything from there to the surface of Consciousness, and I can burn it out. It’s unprofitable for Lilith. As soon as one becomes aware of the hidden in the depths, one gets out of her control and ceases to obey her. The task of Lilith is to provoke the soul, manipulate fears and complexes, play on weaknesses. She prevents me in every way, casting her shadow, distorting my Light, so that one subordinates my principles to the Lower Self, having lost contact with the divine Self, the Spirit.”

“How is Lilith going to do it?”

“Man is a transmitter of the Divine Light, or the Creative Spirit, or a sower of great ideas, his task is to bring Light to the World, and he was given the opportunity to realize it. However, Lilith organizes a conflict of inconsistency between the filling and packaging. Option No. 1. One is told, “You are God! You can do everything!”, or one consider oneself to be God and manipulates people, walks over others’ heads. The task of Lilith is to provoke one to the destruction of one’s Higher Self. As a result, there is a decent package, but the filling is spoiled. Narcissus begins to emanate Darkness instead of Light, demanding the satisfaction of his Ego and showing aggression to the world, up to mass murders of those who disobey his rules or don’t recognize his autocracy. There is a fixation on something or someone. Lilith plunges one into the trap of illusions and doesn’t allow one to look at the situation with a conscious look from the outside. She works, among other things, with the fear of falling from a height in the eyes of society, with inner complexes and self-doubt. In passports of many politicians and creative personalities, Lilith is in conjunction with the Sun. And in the House, where the Sun pushes one onto the stage, into society, it’s even more about the temptation of power and glory.”

“You won’t meet the great and terrible leader, but you’ll hear a lot about a famous pop singer,” the Guardian added. “Envious people will provoke him to aggression, he’ll be imprisoned, and when he returns, he’ll have a period of self-destruction through drug addiction, since his fame will subside during his prison time.”

“It’s a variation of Option No. 2,” the Sun clarified. “Man is a transmitter of Light, but doesn’t emanate Light to the world. Either circumstances or people don’t allow him to shine. Lilith will put a genius to sing in the rain for passers-by on the street to earn money for food. One cannot rise as the Sun because of low self-esteem, or they tell that one is not worthy to shine to people, lock one in a dungeon, not allowing to rise above the Earth. Perhaps a person doesn’t realize that he needs to bring the Light into the world instead of burying it in the ground. One falls into depression, destroying oneself up to suicide. There is a filling, but there is no decent packaging. Lilith in both option No. 1 and option No. 2 is aimed through conflict to awaken one’s aggression, which then goes inside, causing depression, closure and self-destruction, or outside, destroying those who don’t allow one to shine or don’t recognize one as the Sun.”

“Nice story,” I chuckled darkly.

“The most common on Earth are options No. 3 and No. 4, but they are not yours. Man has no Light worth bringing into the world. Heaven’s plans for one’s realization are completely different. For example, one needs to mine coal underground. In version No. 3, thanks to Lilith, one is advanced onto the stage and begins to sing. The voice is disgusting, and the lyrics are even worse, but Lilith makes one a world-famous star. In option No. 4, Lilith doesn’t make one a star, but one considers oneself to be it.”

“Bad filling in a beautiful package, and no filling, no package. It seems I get it. Lilith extinguishes the Light, if it was in a person from the very beginning, or creates an illusion of Light, if it was not and is not there, right?”

“Well done, my soul!” the Guardian praised me.

“Lilith in conjunction with the Sun,” the Sun continued, “means that one always feels isolated from the crowd. This is either true or an illusion. Lilith undervalues or overvalues Self-esteem. There may be a distortion of male energy, the Sun is its symbol. For example, a woman is forced to take on a male role in the family, but she feels bad, otherwise there wouldn’t have been a conflict of inconsistency, which Lilith plays on. A woman seeks to find a strong shoulder, a support in life, man the Sun, but she attracts effeminate weak beings. At the same time, she may actually be afraid of men, since Lilith plays on fears. Men with such conjunction can compensate for the distortion with demonstrative displays of power over weaker creatures, since the strong are too tough. Such conjunction is found in serial killers and narcissists. It may indicate problems with one’s father, something is not the way one would like. With the conjunction in Aries, the Sign of Mars, which in itself is quite quick-tempered and warlike, but initially kind as a child, Lilith provokes a person to aggression and pushes it into an evil channel.”

“How does she do it?” I asked.

“As an option, a gullible creature who believes in fairy tales (the Sun in Aries) is an ideal find for a manipulator. The manipulator promises what a person dreams of gaining, or puts pressure on fears, threatens with something. For example, to deprive of something important. Lilith causes dependence on the manipulator, as an option the fear of losing the manipulator. One becomes suggestible and manageable, the will is not suppressed, but skillfully directed by the manipulator to fulfill the wishes of the manipulator. As a result, the person gives to the manipulator everything without getting anything in return, since the manipulator has never intended to keep the promises.”

“A mismatch between one’s wishes and reality?” I supposed.

“The power of unfulfilled wishes and hopes is terrible,” the Guardian replied. “It’s always destructive. It accumulates inside and tries to break out. Usually, it leads men to aggression, directed outside, and women to depression.”

“Just what Lilith needs,” I sighed. “Fear of tomorrow. Stage fright. The dream of a support, of Man the Sun. And Pluto with Vindemiatrix in opposition to the Sun.”

“Either Lilith will switch on this bitter couple,” the Sun nodded, “or the couple will switch on Lilith. Your Plutos are the ones you’ll sincerely love, believe them, become attached with your heart, not to mention the manic addiction that Lilith gives in this case. They’ll betray you, lower your Self-esteem, extinguish your Sun, put you in conditionally hopeless situations to provoke aggression, and your response will be as strong as the energy of both Mars and Pluto combined, because…”

“Choice without choice! Do you offer me to kill myself or those I will love?”

“However, it’s good to write at the bottom of the well,” the Guardian smiled. “Lilith generally promotes creativity!”

“At the bottom of the well? In the Darkness? To write?” I exclaimed, slamming my fist on the table, and instantly headed for the exit to hide in the Library.

“You’ll lose them anyway,” the Sun sighed sadly, catching up with me with its rays to warm me in farewell. “The best conjunction of Lilith is with the Sun, and not somewhere, but in the fiery Sign of Mars, because any planet, approaching me, risks being burned to the ground. You are given a unique chance by my Divine Light to destroy the Darkness. All that is required of you is to face the truth, realize it and take a step aside.”


***
Library of the Universe


“I don’t want to incarnate! Don’t want! Don’t!”

“Do you know what’s going on?” The Guardian smiled. “Just imagining Lilith’s future provocation, you give in to it. In conjunction with the Sun, Lilith gives the opportunity for a bright manifestation of creative talents. The genius film maker Hitchcock, for example, has the same connection. Possessing a magnetic charisma, you’ll be able to kindle the hearts of people with your Light and awaken their Higher Self with the depth of feelings. By the way, your Lilith is in a Royal degree, and there are very few of them. It’s your 2nd Royal degree, the 1st is in the House of Creativity, at Rahu.”

“Yes, yes, there, in the swamp, before the Burnt Road, I caught an arrow like a frog. And the Royal Raven predicted something for me in terms of creativity, and the Royal Star Fomalhaut is right on my MC, at Zenith!” I added venomously, but suddenly stopped. “That stargazer, of the Silver Age, what did he say about the degree of my Lilith?”

“The degree of Venus. She is responsible for your creativity and love. Although many people consider this degree Mercurian, not bad either, since Mercury, the king of the Word, is right here. Your writing activity is ruled by the Sun. The degree of writers and orators brings glory and honor.”

“So what did that stargazer say?”

“The Goddess Venus stretches out her hands to the wounded soldier, who is painfully trying to reach her.”

“A person with Lilith in this degree is Venus or the wounded soldier?”

“The soldier,” the Guardian sighed. “He made mistakes and fell many times in his life, but he always saw the Bright Light in front of him, which called him to go forward and dispelled the Darkness along with worries. The soldier was full of inspiration, however, his life path went through suffering. He was constantly wounded on the battlefield at the threshold of reaching his goal. He didn’t lose hope and sacrificed himself, so the Higher Forces eventually led him to fulfill his dream.”

We sat down in the Reading Hall. The book about ghosts obediently flew into my hands, opened at the story “Two Women”.

“We were walking by the very lake. It was already too late, and not a soul around. I don’t remember how that very knife ended up in my hands… I just loved her too much!”


*****LILITH’s TRICKS*****

***
Moscow


“Well, Alice? Were you lucky 13 days before? By the way, 1 +3 = 4. A number that in some places symbolizes Death. What’s new?” Ray asked and, turning on the fireplace with his glance, flopped into the rocking chair.

“It looks great from the outside! You are rocking, and it isn’t moving! The good is the Cat started talking!”

“That is, you wanted to say,” Ray chuckled, “you finally began to understand your Puss, having let go of the earthly habit of communicating exclusively in human language. And?”

“I returned to the roof of that abandoned building where I had first met the two-faced Woman.”

“The first time since disembodiment,” Ray corrected me.

“Yes! I read in my diary that I had been shown someone dying in the Future when I entered that building. And until you called me then, I was trying to change the script.”

“Who is the one you’ve saved?”

“I don’t remember, but after that, according to the diary, the employees took me to the roof of that building where…”

“You wanted to leave Earth ahead of schedule once again. And?”

“Last night I returned to that building, on the 6th floor. There were corridors with doors in absolute darkness, but no windows, it looked like a labyrinth. Maybe I would have to go through every door. Perhaps there’s something in there, Ray, but it’s so scary!”

“It must be there, if it’s scary!”

“Suddenly I saw a ghost passing through the wall in the distance!”

“The two-faced Woman?”

“No, imagine. The ghost of my former employee. She died instantly at the age of 24, right at the workplace. A blood clot. Instantly. They tried in vain to revive her body. One of the doctors, already on the stairs, when they carried her body out on a stretcher, told me that she had died. They didn’t tell it to others in order not to scare them. I came home, took the icon of St. Anastasia, put candles and read prayers for her. So, having learned about my death, Anastasia asked how she could help me. She was told to wait for me in that building for 40 nights. The poor ghost was exhausted, back and forth through the walls…”

“Who told her? And for what purpose?”

“I didn’t ask! Probably the Guardians. To pass me just one phrase! I was delighted thinking she would tell me where to look for the handle, or what I hadn’t completed.”

“Funny, what did she tell you?”

“That building comes to life on the Full Moon.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes… Then she added that she and another Anastasia had loved me very much. They were colleagues, my former employees. They worked together.”

“So did they have the same name? You have solid doubles, Alice! Besides the two-faced Woman, two Anastasia suddenly appeared!”

“At that time, I was implementing a sophisticated IT program to make business processes transparent. Most of the staff resisted transparency in every way, and she and Anastasia gave me a fruit basket. They made a photo of the three of us, but for some reason I didn’t have it. Parting, she said to me to remember the dandelion in sad times.”

“What dandelion?”

“It was made of polymer clay, like a living little Sun. It lived on my desk in a pot under the lamp. Anastasia gave it to me later, in another building. On the pot there was an inscription, ‘Anyway, you are the best!’ And then… I don’t remember where it disappeared.”

“What had you been dreaming about, Alice, before you erased your memory?” Ray asked thoughtfully. “Just don’t talk to me in general, like people. Say it as a soul, and be honest.”

“Well,” I said thoughtfully. “My soul wanted to create, but in calm, that is, so that my earthly Self would feel confident in the Future. On Earth, money is needed to feed the earthly body, pay rent, and so on … Well, you know, you didn’t erase your memory. We had just different financial appetites.”

“I’m neither the first nor the last to burn in Hell, don’t worry!” Ray chuckled bitterly. “If you only knew how many tycoons left the Earth ahead of schedule after the financial collapse. It’s much easier to live your life in poverty than to first manage millions, and then suddenly find yourself at the bottom of the empty barrel.”

“You can’t live on literary creativity. All my acquaintances fell into two categories. Some were fed by the rent of their flats, the others – by someone close to them.”

“It’s not a fact that they all followed their own Path. I understand you, it’s terrible when you lose your livelihood and can’t get a job just because your CV has solid CEO positions, which are usually occupied by insiders, and ex-top managers are no longer considered for cleaning toilets. It’s even worse if you worked not in your degree specialty or in a suddenly cancelled field, and it’s still far from pension, even if it’s impossible to live on it.”

“Many people said that with my brains, I should not plow for others. However, I was to be the second, not the first person. You know, I did projects from scratch, but someone was always over me. So all my life I worked, pushing creativity aside, and tormented by the fear of tomorrow. This is a sin. I didn’t trust God, who would definitely have taken care of me… Stop, Ray! Why do you ask me about my dreams?”

Ray didn’t answer anything, but I could feel him scrolling through his own memories. Then he got up from his chair and said,

“When we were young, we didn’t care about tomorrow and about real wishes, desires of our souls. We lived in here and now, spending the money on earthly things. Although you also helped people, and only your icons are worth much. You believed the empty promises of people who used you, worked hard at their work, dreaming of a man who would allow you to become yourself, the keeper of the hearth, and give you the opportunity to calmly create and shine for the world. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if you were his right hand in business. You dreamed of family life in a cozy nest behind a stone wall, Alice, that’s why you have a fireplace here,” Ray turned off the fireplace with his glance. “Eh, if you had had an apartment for rent, now we wouldn’t have been here with you… What is the saddest thing in this story, you know? We are in the worst version of your fate. Other options existed. You simply couldn’t stand the constant overstrain playing not your role. You erased your memory not to leave the body. Go to Athos, read the Akathist.”

“Wait, Ray,” I stopped him at the mirror. “Now tell me, be honest. Not as people, as a soul. Do you believe that here and now you and I are real? That we are not phantoms of the worst, but still not realized option? That Rukh, in my Past, which is still incarnating and descending the Stairs to Earth, is not doomed to this ‘here and now’ script? Or are we in a dream, and one day I will wake up, there, on Athos, where you pulled me here from, making me believe in my physical Death?”

Ray patted my shoulder stepping into the mirror.

“It changes nothing for you here and now.”


***
Ouranoupoli


“Alice!” Kiri’s father called out to me at the entrance to their shop. “Will you go next Friday to the evening liturgy in Nea Roda to walk around the village with the icon painted by Luke?”

“Of course, I will!”

“For us, it has been a great holiday since childhood! That icon is alive! And next Saturday, they have already put posters around the village today, have you noticed? – so, we’ll have the Full Moon party by our Tower!”

“What kind of a party is it?” I was surprised.

“Come and find out yourself! We’ll start at 20:30, right by the sea.”

“Hello, Alice!” Kiri greeted me and sighed heavily.

“Not many buyers?” I asked.

“Eh,” Kiri waved her hand. “Today the ‘Unburnable Bush’ is gone, but… I have it, and Socrates, and Janis, and everyone has the same icon in different painting. When choosing icons, you know their history, you feel which icon is yours. These people run in and take ‘what is cheaper here?’ as a souvenir. They neither feel, nor want to know! I start telling them that the holiday of the ‘Bush’ is on September 17, the firefighter’s day in their own country, they wave it off, ‘No, no, don’t load us with unnecessary information, we are in a hurry, our boat is leaving!’ Meanwhile, the ‘Bush’ is one of the most magical icons!”

“I agree. It reminds me of the ‘All-Seeing Eye’. Its octagon is the seal from Evil. The ‘Bush’ came from the Old Testament, the Virgin was not painted then. No one knows when the image was first painted. In Russia, the first mention dates back to 1390, when monks brought the icon, allegedly painted on a piece of rock, at which the miracle appeared to Moses, from Palestine to Moscow.”

“They painted that icon on Athos for the city where your Lenin lived, right?”

“For the Ulyanovsk Cathedral of Holy Virgin the Unburnable. Yes, at the request of a local philanthropist. On August 28, 1911, it arrived in Russia and began to perform miracles. On May 9, 1912, the cathedral, built in honor of the miraculous icon, was consecrated. I have been there. The Cathedral looks like a village house, but there are a lot of icons inside. The icon of the Bush, which I purchased at your shop, exactly matches the image of the icon located in the Ulyanovsk Cathedral. True, there is also a Staircase on my icon. All the rest, as colors, composition, proportions, faces …”

“I liked yours better myself, it was painted on Athos a long time ago. Originally, they painted Moses bowed in front of the burning Bush. Later, an oval medallion was added in the center of the Bush with the Virgin in the style of Oranta, the protector, then Christ the Child. In the 16th century, the medallion was crowned with an eight-pointed star formed by two quadrangular rhombuses, one red, the symbol of Fire, the other green or blue. Later, in the corners of the first rhombus, 4 Evangelists were depicted as they are mentioned in the Apocalypse – Angel (Matthew), Leo (Mark), Taurus (Luke) and Eagle (John), and then 12 archangel angels holding their attributes were added. Angels symbolize the Heavenly Forces and the Elements that serve to God. Then they began to add the Old Testament prophecies’ plots such as Jacob’s Stairs, along which Christ descended to Earth, the Mount of Transfiguration Tabor, a symbol of the return to Heaven, the Closed Gate from Ezekiel’s vision, the Tree of Jesse. Sometimes they paint also the rod from the root of Jesse, and Isaiah’s vision of Seraphim with a burning coal in tongs. You have 4 Evangelists on the icon, 12 archangel angels with their attributes and the Stairs. It’s a mysterious story. Moses, herding sheep at Mount Sinai, saw a thorn bush, engulfed in flames, but not burned by it, and heard the Voice of God telling how to free the Israelites from Egyptian slavery, after which the staff of Moses gained magical abilities to turn into a snake and extract water in desert if he stuck it in the ground. Eventually, Moses did the will of God. However, there is the Virgin with Christ and the Stairs on the icon.”

“Moses predicted the birth of Christ, but the fire was not an earthly one. Angels and Saints appeared to the monks in a fiery Light that didn’t burn them. Some Saints during their lifetime ascended to Heaven of the color of fire, above all Heavens. The Chariot of the Prophet Elijah is a fiery one. Although, the blessed fire of Easter, not burning anyone ‘washed’ with it, has not been canceled. It’s a symbol of the Light of the Divine Fire.”

“Do you know where Moses got his staff from? Was it made of the same bush? What happened to the staff in the end?”

“They say Moses got the staff from a former priest of the Egyptian pharaohs. The staff disappeared. I have been to Mount Nebo in Jordan, where a metal stele “Moses’ Staff” was installed, and in one of the museums in Turkey a wooden walking stick, claiming to be the staff, but without any magical symbols, was put on public display. Although… everybody, if desired, can endow any branch with magical powers and turn it into a magic wand.”

“By the way, about the branches! At the beginning of the 4th century, the mother of Emperor Constantine ordered to build the Bush chapel on the place it had been growing. Under the altar, there is still a hole in the ground, marked with tiles, where the roots of the Bush were. The Bush itself was re-planted on the same territory of St. Catherine’s monastery. I was told by pilgrims who had been to Egypt that the dried branch gave rise to shoots, as a result, another bush was formed. Its leaves are allowed to be torn off and taken with you.”

“Oh, yes. Many people have tried to get that plant in their country houses. The most sacrilegious set it on fire, proving that it not only ignites, but also burns. Fires differ, although the icon protects from earthly fires and arsons. The Virgin of the ‘Bush’ is considered the patroness of firefighters. Monasteries on Mount Athos are often burning, but saved since the wind changes its direction sharply. The religious procession with the icon during fires was also widespread in Russia. Monasteries and houses in which the icon was present remained untouched by fire, and in case of malicious arson, the arsonist was always identified. They used to read ‘The Bush’ prayer on Sinai during a thunderstorm, so that it would protect them from lightning strikes. In the 12th century, the image of the icon appeared on a log thrown into the furnace. The Virgin asked to get the log, the image wasn’t touched by fire, and it was transferred to the temple, where it was kept until the 21st century. Once the icon helped the Russian Tsar’s groom, who had fallen into disgrace, so the groom built the temple of the Bush. It helps on battlefields, in war zones and in extreme situations. The eight-pointed star on the image has a protective power, it won’t allow a person with evil intentions to enter the house. If we consider the Divine Fire as the opposite of the fire that torments sinners in Hell, and the Virgin, as untouched by earthly passions…”

“So,” Kiri continued thoughtfully, “does the icon protect us from Hell?”

“It purifies us with the Divine Fire, helps to burn passions, saves us from temptations and mistakes, enable us to merge with the Spirit, with the Higher Self, after the combustion of the Lower Self, that leads us to the Light. In this sense, the Staircase on the icon is more than appropriate both in terms of descent and of ascent, the incarnation of the soul into matter and the return to Heaven.”


***
Tower of Ouranoupoli


“The Full Moon party is next Saturday, the night between the 39th and the 40th day after my death. The abandoned building in Moscow will come to life on the Full Moon. I won’t make it in time,” I sighed, having told Joice my news over astral tea.

“You’ve already made significant progress in your memory digging!”

“Ray opened up my sore spot today. Yes, I regret that.”

“You mean, you couldn’t provide yourself with stability for tomorrow?”

“You know, I miraculously survived when my husband pushed me out the window in every way. He even locked me on the balcony saying, “Come on, throw yourself out.” He pressured me daily, mentally and physically. He rushed at me with a knife, used to strangle and beat me. As if it was not him, but the Devil himself, who possessed him. All our life together, I hadn’t seen a penny from him, while he constantly greeted me from work with the words, “Give me money” and “You must.” Whenever there was a problem, he hid his head in the sand. I couldn’t file for divorce, he threatened to take my son away by proving that I was crazy. He had powerful people around, and I had only my ghosts’ stories. Every day he turned my son against me. He made me feel I was nothing, tore up my poems and stories, defiantly poured water on my laptop, was infuriated that I was writing, said that no one needed me. He hated me for what and who I was, for the fact I existed. There was nowhere to go, we lived in my flat. Hell is on Earth, Joice. I was earning good money then and could save up for a flat, but I spent all the money on my family and traveling the world, since my only joy was to leave home. My husband wasn’t allowed to travel abroad. Perhaps I didn’t go out the window only because of the hope that one day the right man would appear to pull me out of that nightmare and become my protection and support.”

“How many years have you lived like that?”

“18. Apart the fact that before the wedding we studied at the same school, and then at the same institute.”

“And now? What do you feel now?”

“Nothing, Joice. If I had some negative emotions towards him, would I be able to tell you all that so easily? Perhaps the Devil left my husband the moment my husband left me. At the transitional age of our son, my husband got scared and left us himself. I passed a major surgery then and ended up in another Hell. The Devil seemed to start fighting with me already through my son. I tried to sell the flat to buy two small separate ones, although there wouldn’t be enough money, but there were no buyers. I sold my dacha, but the amount was a penny. Then one person promised to help me with the flat. I believed him and spent the money I had on Athos icons.”

“To promise is not to marry. You saw your son in the Court, he came to say ‘thank you’, right?”

“I started visiting monasteries, lived at the Makarievsky Monastery with the miraculous ancient icon ‘Inexhaustible Chalice’, in Mordovia. I brought icons from Athos. My son hated them, turned them over to face the wall, threw them down, and I picked them up and put them back in their place. Once he suddenly went to church himself and confessed. Having found out that the relics of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker were being brought to Moscow, he got up early in the morning, went and stood in line all day. Then he began to ask to paint for him this or that icon on Athos. In the end, we became friends. Together we read by the stars and watched films about the Other Reality. He helped me around the house. However, I knew I would be left completely alone one day, or rather, with the Athos icons. The Saints became my friends… It’s interesting, Joice, they always helped me with my unearthly desires, but every time I said to myself, ‘From tomorrow I’ll start saving for Tomorrow,’ they took money away from me.”

“So they gave you money for icons and for trips to Athos, but they didn’t let you save for tomorrow. Yes, it’s interesting! Perhaps you were taught to trust God, who would have never left you alone, or your sins were cancelled by relieving you of earthly things.”

“I ended here, Joice, on the border with Athos, not in Heaven.”

“It’s not the end yet, Alice!”


***
Library of the Universe


“Svetlana said, ‘You are a spot of Light, the Darkness is spinning around you, like a vortex, stones are flying, and the Light is changing its shape in one direction, then in another, wow!’ I am a peaceful enough person (if they don’t kick my tail on purpose). Any war is a nightmare. The last few days, it feels like I’m walking through a field, alone, in a thin summer dress. The field is infinite, and there is no Sun, just a terrible wind with dust and dirt. From all sides, ghost-like ones shoot at each other with bows, the arrows are passing right through me, but don’t hurt. I keep walking into the distance, sickened by what is happening. The ghosts are reaching out to me, trying to grab my hand and stop me, pull me towards them. It’s hard to walk. Which is better: a horrible end or an endless horror? I feel like taking a step to the side, but the field is infinite.”

“There are such terrible places where it’s impossible to stay. Imagine a corridor with continuous flows of dirty energies, rushing back and forth, back and forth and through you. You seem to be bound inside and cannot fence yourself off with a shell. That’s Hell. I want to take a step aside to another Space of Options, because nothing can be changed in this nightmare. A constant obsessive thought, but it won’t work, you just physically feel the cosmic chain. The more often you try to throw it off, the more painfully it suffocates you and narrows the space. It’s creepy and completely unplayable. Better to feel nothing than to feel and be absolutely helpless…”

“Humans are strange creatures. You do good to a person, so much good that you can already become a Saint, and you get in return a solid stinking Evil. It’s difficult to love people. So, in words, from afar, it’s easy. Up close it’s difficult to love them all with the Divine Love. The majority don’t know the Divine Love. They don’t have it in themselves even in a small amount. I look and see right through them. It becomes so disgusting from what I see, thus the Divine Love in me is curling up like a snail. I want to run away from all these people. There is nowhere to run. These people are everywhere. Everywhere are such people. They train my patience, teaching me to love them anyway, with the Divine Love. The hardest thing in life is to learn to love everyone.”

“There is no humility in me, although patience is almost angelic.”

“Sometimes a person, logically, should hate you with a fierce hatred. It’s not your fault if to look at it from your side. It’s just life that brought you both into an unrealistic crooked situation. There’s no reason why he should even say hello to you, but he treats you well. The reverse situation, for a billion reasons, someone should do everything to make you feel good. There is not a single reason to hate you. And he hates you. He does everything to offend, humiliate, grind you into powder.”

“It’s a typical state of the clairvoyant and sensitive, when a sharp sound can kill, or a word, perhaps even an ordinary one, with something unpleasant behind it, throws the astral body into a shiver. This is an overly heightened perception of everything around. The astral body instantly transmits its pain through the ethereal body to the physical one. The thin-skinned people need to build up a shell. However, sometimes you crawl out of the house (to warm your body under the Sun), relax, and at that moment bang-bang! You perfectly understand with your mind what you should do, but you have no right to do that, because the Higher Forces will punish you, and you’ll get a painful punishment. In front of dark people, I usually stop myself with words, these are people! They are not like you. They are envious, petty, selfish, they strive to offend another one in order to exalt themselves. They don’t understand we are all ONE. If I start treating people the way they treat me, life will become much easier, but it will be already not me. Smells like Heavens.”

“Sometimes I seem to go crazy, because the behavior of others doesn’t fit in my head at all. But when we are surrounded by the dead (i.e. rotting) souls, we are sent from Heaven some pleasant little things to remind us of them seeing everything. Even if we seem to be outcasts and crazy, we are still on the right Light Path… The society of the dead, like any other, will always reject those who are out of step with it, as Vadim said, any society needs the middle mass, it intuitively rejects those who are even a millimeter higher, seeing in such mm a threat to itself (instead of growing up itself). When it seems that either you or the world around you went crazy, the Forces of Light will definitely make it clear who is who really.”

“God exists, regardless of who believes in Him or not. Just like the laws that exist, even if you know absolutely nothing about them.”