life without a future

when is all-around good I'm not really happy
I feel so bored every evening when I'm not in trouble
my teenager years passed in dreams about beautiful shiny boots
while I was writing sad lyrics listening to suicidal songs
alone in my room but always in love in some older fellow from school
I was so fascinated about night neon lights
always dreaming about some unusual feelings, about making love, using drugs
when I drunk too much for the first time, it was on the street, live-concert
some unknown guys took me home, they drag me to my door under their arms
and when my mama opened the door, she got real stress I guess
such unconscious retribution
then she beat me with my skirt for a long time, and I cut my hands when she calmed down
the next day my grandmother came, she told me to take all the posters off the walls, 'cause there are devils pictured on them
I always dreamed about something, but it was never something concrete
I just loved a process of dreaming, and music always helped me with it
I liked to be in a rush, and I liked to stay home sometimes, as everyone
I feel myself forever 18 'cause I have nothing that woman my age should have
always studying, and my longest work experience was 5 or 6 month
but I write in my CV 3 years
only one my real profession that I loved it so much and that I was coming to step by step on my own
I lost it because it was more fun to take drugs and dance in a strip show
after that, I never achieved nothing honestly
being honest is very difficult from year to year
my life was not as beautiful and good but
two times I dreamed about a baby
first one - a beautiful one, the second one really made me feel scared
I think no one survives those shits
I can force myself sometimes in some daily routine or duties
but I can't force myself in something that I really want or don't
I took a course to destruction
when I realize that bad thoughts in my head take a leading position
I understand why I have stuck in failures
sometimes I feel pleasure because if it
there is nothing that I really like so much as I liked before
I guess I'm too lazy and that's okay for me
'cause before it was never like this
maybe I've exhausted myself
maybe it is just my unhealthy desire
to finish my life like this
there are new good people everywhere around
same as bad people, it was always like this
and I continue making disgusting things
to repent for a while and return to them again

music makes me happy and inspired
there is no time for wasting
I believe that love happens everywhere
even in the greatest sin
when it seems that everything is already lost
you never know what may happen
I have such a strange feeling
I should repent and despair
I felt so much wrong
and I believe in myself because I can love very much
but for how long
it doesn't matter anymore
now I'm twisted
I swim and dive every time
as if I live only for a moment
I have nothing
I am ready to give what I have
just don't throw me back into reality
I don't want a long life where you should always be wise
where you always have to do something
I have already done everything I had to
I don't want reality
don't scare me with cautions