4. Steve Peppergin - Part 2

Steve Peppergin (Cock-and-Bull Story)
Parodying John Barleycorn

Hunt (the hunter) knew th’ whereabouts of that place
And led them with the help of Doe’s dog.
To every small beast on the way he gave chase,
But at last the cur went the whole hog.

So the three travelers came close to the cross
That had been put on Peppergin’s tomb,
And began to dig a hole — not at a loss, —
Though they all had nothing but a comb.

But by means of their fingers, teeth, tongues and heels,
They did not fail to dig out the chest.
Peppergin’s exhumation went on oiled wheels,
After that they decided to rest,

For that was so tiresome to dig with no spade,
So the three diggers fell fast asleep.
That was hard but at last they could make the grade.
After that they fell all of a heap.

They slept like three logs the whole stuffy night through,
And — when it was the broadest daylight,
And they felt like damned fools, being wet with dew
And still tired after the craziest night —

They heard out the coffin the most strangest sounds —
That was just like someone, left there, cried.
“Oh, we knew that,” they said, “his heart, it still pounds.
Yeah, he’s fooled us, ‘cause he never died!”

Having said that, they made up their clever minds
To unclose the damned coffin at once.
They spat on their grimy hands, themselves they signed,
And then they cocked their monstrous shotguns,

After which, using stones that were everywhere,
They began to crash the wooden lid.
While they were doing that, their eyes shone and flared,
For they knew that time they could succeed

In revenging the man who dared to fool them
By pretending that he had been dead.
But they aren’t caught with chaff, they know he’s a sham;
He has lost his game, so-called wise head.

When they opened the chest they saw Peppergin,
Deathly pale with a most fetid smell.
Then he sat in his box and said, “What’s it mean?
You’ve taken me from where I was well.

Don’t you see I am dead? Body swarming with worms,
Rotting flesh, bad smell making one sick.
You’re blind not to see I’m in very bad form,
And I say I am cross as two sticks.

You’ve awoken me who was resting in peace.
Damn you, tell me straight: what do you want?
Let me know the whole truth, then give me a miss.
Speak distinctly, I ask, and don’t gront.”

Cole was scared by the dead man out of his wits
And began to writhe on the cold ground.
His wide trousers he wet, longed to fly the pit,
Almost crushed under him John Doe’s hound.

The blind Hunt firstly froze in terror, but then
Realized that he must run away.
He was truly a brave, most courageous man,
But was never a fool, I must say.

Seeing nothing when thus he tried to escape,
He cut into a tree near the place,
And he fell down like a big bunch of ripe grapes,
Having done that without any grace.

Only tranquil Doe and his mongrel weren’t shocked:
One was smoking, the dumb dog gave tongue,
And a long time had passed ‘fore he stopped to bark.
(His quick-witted master fired his gun!)

He dropped off the hooks, having rid Doe of him.
(Doe was as happy as the day’s long.)
After making the shot, looking terribly grim,
The smith spoke, and his language was strong.

“What the hell ya shoutin’ at my friends and me?
We will never believe ya dead, man.
Do ya think that it’s possible not to see
It is a friggin’ fraud, bloody damn!

Ya can’t never fool us, we want our revenge,
So get out this yer damn box and fight!
There’s nowhere to run and there’s nothing ya’ll change,
Ya must die if ya ain’t got it right!”

Poor Steve Peppergin was not ready for such
A most aggressive treatment of him.
Doubting his being dead was, say, a rum touch,
And he seemed to be out on a limb:

That crazy madman wanted him to be killed
Once more though he’d already lain low.
That insane loon wanted his blood to be spilled
Though it had decayed a long time ago.

“What’s the matter?” he spoke in a friendly way.
“I am dead, there’s no need killing me.
I assure you, kind men, I did pass away.
It is strange that you three do not see.”

“No!” then shouted John Doe. “It’s a Goddamn lie!”
And his shout even woke up his friends
And turned over in graves many men who’d died
A long time ago in many lands.

28–29.04.97, 2.08–19.09, 20–30.12.98