4. Steve Peppergin - Part 1

Steve Peppergin (Cock-and-Bull Story)
Parodying John Barleycorn

Once upon a time three men came from the East
With the only one thought in their minds,
And they came through hard rain and snow, hail and mist,
For Steve Peppergin they were to find.

One of those trav’lers was a fat silversmith,
And he had a rare name of John Doe.
He had a black dog whom he hated to death,
For that dog had belonged to his foe,

And he’d killed his foe with the help of his gun,
Though kill a helpless cur he could not.
He waited for a chance when in the long run
He would surely get rid of the mutt.

And besides, our silversmith had never seen
Any piece of silver in his life,
But to see it he was always very keen,
Never having a girlfriend or wife.

Second journeyman was Bill “Orator” Cole,
Simple teacher, from birth deaf and mute.
The third man was a hunter, blind as a mole,
Not a very high guy — just eight foot.

Those two men helped each other at all events:
One could see and another could hear.
‘Twas hard for them, but it’s of no consequence.
The main thing’s those two friends were sincere.

So they came to the birthplace of Peppergin,
And their shotguns were ready to fire
At their poor victim those men had never seen,
But to kill him they had a desire,

For they’d read in lots of newspapers that Steve
Was the richest man of the whole West:
He had twenty dollars, and you wouldn’t believe —
But that guy for our three men was best.

town In the dark night they entered Peppergin’s
While the sun in the sky was so bright,
And they looked everywhere — left, right, up and down —
But Steve Peppergin was out of sight.

So they had to ask everyone of the fact
Where he lived, so that they could not fail.
Their palms itched too much, for they wanted to act,
Were determined to fight tooth and nail.

One well-nourished townsman that weighed sixty pounds
Told our travelers the saddest news:
Steve Peppergin had been three days below ground.
(So in killing him there was no use.)

So that they were sure, he showed them the graveyard
Where Steve’s mortal remains were in rest.
“It’s sad,” said the man, “but it was in the cards
That Steve always played close to the chest.”

Three men didn’t understand what the guy had said,
But they wanted to know something else.
How could such a thing happen: their friend was dead?
How did he deserve the passing bells?

A very sad story was heard by their ears,
And incredible, to crown it all.
Even deaf Billy Cole then burst into tears,
The hunter turned his face to the wall.

“The late,” said the man, “loved to eat, jolly dog,
And ate, you wouldn’t believe, every day.
After eating he drank some milk from his mug,
And such a wonder got a big play.

One day when he enjoyed his favorite drink,
And the full mug slipped out of his hands,
He bent down over it and, just like a blink,
Fell at once into it, my dear friends.

For three days frogmen tried to find him — in vain.
Drowned, poor man, and without any trace.
Next day he was found when ‘twas a pouring rain —
Surely dead, with the black swollen face.”

This story was told by the man when they’d come
Back to his house after a short walk
To the burial place where Steve had lain not too long
Six feet under ground… Oh, I can’t talk!

Though our travelers saw their enemy’s tomb
With their own eyes and heard the sad tale,
They didn’t think that Peppergin had met his doom,
They thought that he was a healthy male,

That his silly death’d been a piece of deceit
(Though Steve didn’t ever think he’d a foe).
“But,” our three men thought, “he won’t drop on his feet,
‘Cause ‘bout his dirty trick now we know.”

So that no one could tell what had crossed their minds,
They took leave of their hospitable host,
Having told him he’d been to them very kind,
And come back to the East they all must.

“We have wives and children we must care about,
Our friend died, so we have to return.
He was a real good guy, whole town must be proud,
And his death’s universally mourned.”

But after our heroes had gone out the gate,
Their horses made for the burial ground
Where the one was at rest whom they liked to hate,
But not too soon that graveyard was found.

28–29.04.97, 2.08–19.09, 20–30.12.98