He marked with a charcoal on my left side
A place for a sure shot
That will let out to fly in the night
My anguish - my lone white bird.
Darling! Your hand will steadily aim,
My suffering will not cling,
My anguished white bird will fly away,
Land on a branch, and begin to sing.
So that he, who's calm in his silent home,
Would open his window, rise:
"The voice is familiar - the words are unknown" -
And then would lower his eyes.
________________________________________
Углем наметил на левом боку
Место, куда стрелять,
Чтоб выпустить птицу — мою тоску
В пустынную ночь опять.
Милый! не дрогнет твоя рука.
И мне недолго терпеть.
Вылетит птица — моя тоска,
Сядет на ветку и станет петь.
Чтоб тот, кто спокоен в своем дому,
Раскрывши окно, сказал:
«Голос знакомый, а слов не пойму» —
И опустил глаза.
(c) Ахматова
Ахматова - He marked with a charcoal
© Copyright: Кристина Девулите, 2009
Свидетельство о публикации №109090901058
Свидетельство о публикации №109090901058
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Kris,
As ususal, this is very nice. You are very good at capturing the original 'voice' of the poet.
I have just a few comments (and I'm very picky, you know :)
Углем наметил > I would rather use 'mark' than 'outline'. Play with it a bit more. It is shorter, maybe you'll be able to fit in 'coal' as well.
'And rest on a branch, and begin to sing'> What about 'Land on a branch'? It should fit the original meter better.
'So that the one who is calm in his home' does not seem to fit the meeter -/--/--/-/ How about 'So that he, who's calm in his silent home'?
Also 'window' doesn't seem to fit the line meeter, but it's minor.
I finally had time this week to start translating again. Made a rather quick draft of "Clench my hands". I'd like to know what you think.
http://www.stihi.ru/2009/09/08/6938
I'll start looking at what you sent me earlier tomorrow after work.
Oh, the summer was brutal! :(
Cheers,
Dina
Беляева Дина 09.09.2009 23:31 • Заявить о нарушении
As ususal, this is very nice. You are very good at capturing the original 'voice' of the poet.
I have just a few comments (and I'm very picky, you know :)
Углем наметил > I would rather use 'mark' than 'outline'. Play with it a bit more. It is shorter, maybe you'll be able to fit in 'coal' as well.
'And rest on a branch, and begin to sing'> What about 'Land on a branch'? It should fit the original meter better.
'So that the one who is calm in his home' does not seem to fit the meeter -/--/--/-/ How about 'So that he, who's calm in his silent home'?
Also 'window' doesn't seem to fit the line meeter, but it's minor.
I finally had time this week to start translating again. Made a rather quick draft of "Clench my hands". I'd like to know what you think.
http://www.stihi.ru/2009/09/08/6938
I'll start looking at what you sent me earlier tomorrow after work.
Oh, the summer was brutal! :(
Cheers,
Dina
Беляева Дина 09.09.2009 23:31 • Заявить о нарушении
Thanks, Dina, I incorporated your suggestions - please let me know what you think of the first line now that it's corrected? It's good that you are picky - after all, we want to have our translations as good as they get!:)
I had a chance to read your translation, will comment a bit later - let me digest it a bit:)
Glad to hear that things are getting less crazy!!:) My workload is piling up, on the other hand - but here's the beauty of working 9 to 5 and not having home responsibilities - I expect it won't interfere with my work on our project:)
Talk soon!
Kris
Кристина Девулите 10.09.2009 03:18 Заявить о нарушении
I had a chance to read your translation, will comment a bit later - let me digest it a bit:)
Glad to hear that things are getting less crazy!!:) My workload is piling up, on the other hand - but here's the beauty of working 9 to 5 and not having home responsibilities - I expect it won't interfere with my work on our project:)
Talk soon!
Kris
Кристина Девулите 10.09.2009 03:18 Заявить о нарушении
Sounds better (I got what I wished for!)
Yet in the line "And land" I think you should omit "and".
In this line the stress falls on the first syllable.
Беляева Дина 10.09.2009 06:26 Заявить о нарушении
Yet in the line "And land" I think you should omit "and".
In this line the stress falls on the first syllable.
Беляева Дина 10.09.2009 06:26 Заявить о нарушении
Кристина!А все таки ты большая умницф и труженица!
Татьяна Легкодимова 10.10.2009 20:26 Заявить о нарушении
Татьяна Легкодимова 10.10.2009 20:26 Заявить о нарушении