Three ladies floated away from a joyless town,
Aloof, bedecked with shimmering summer colours.
The first was drenched with blood from a thorny crown,
Her name was Faith, and the hem of her gown was sullied.
The second lady was smiling, her gaze was dark.
Her name was Love, and her hands were adorned with blisters.
The third was halting her step, sadly looking back -
Her name was Hope, but she followed her silent sisters.
The ladies swam in the air, and stars were bright,
The town kept watch, but the solemn gates opened, gliding,
And three new maidens entered, wearing white,
And they were joined by an army of rats and spiders.
The town surrendered, and up to this day it's ruled
By Death, by bubonic Plague and the black Despair...
It's just a fairytale, darling, your eyes are weary.
Sleep tight and know: a surrenderer is a fool.
25 августа, 2009.
A dark lullaby
© Copyright: Кристина Девулите, 2009
Свидетельство о публикации №109082501074
Свидетельство о публикации №109082501074
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There's captivating imagery, but I struggled to maintain a rhythm.
Should there be one?
"And then THE three maidens" - it feels like a definite article is missing...
Overall, I really like it.
Беляева Дина 25.08.2009 18:22 • Заявить о нарушении
Should there be one?
"And then THE three maidens" - it feels like a definite article is missing...
Overall, I really like it.
Беляева Дина 25.08.2009 18:22 • Заявить о нарушении
I thought there is a rhythm - read it out loud and slowly, with a pause...
Three LADies/ FLOAted away from a JOYless town,
ALOOF, be/ DECKed with shimmery summer COLours.
The FIRST was/ DRENCHed with blood from a THORny crown,
Her NAME was/FAITH, and the hem of her gown was SULlied...
Actually, I think I haven't made it clear that the three maidens in white - are not the same as the three ladies that left the town. I will edit a bit - please let me know if it ends up any better, and where you feel the rhythm is broken...
Thanks!
Kris
Кристина Девулите 25.08.2009 22:32 Заявить о нарушении
Three LADies/ FLOAted away from a JOYless town,
ALOOF, be/ DECKed with shimmery summer COLours.
The FIRST was/ DRENCHed with blood from a THORny crown,
Her NAME was/FAITH, and the hem of her gown was SULlied...
Actually, I think I haven't made it clear that the three maidens in white - are not the same as the three ladies that left the town. I will edit a bit - please let me know if it ends up any better, and where you feel the rhythm is broken...
Thanks!
Kris
Кристина Девулите 25.08.2009 22:32 Заявить о нарушении