Loopy journey

Panes are readable by the nightfall,
East is catching the sense of shading.
Solar licks are indeed delightful,
Streets are lollipops, slowly fading.

Treat the roads, as my own belongings,
Share a smile with the fate and strangers.
Leave the best for my hope and longing
And the worst for the dogs in mangers.

All returns keep the journey loopy
And the thinking’s in pace with stepping.
As the eyes of the loved ones – groupies,
Hands of watches are droopily-sappy.

Eyes of loved ones create a distance.
God forbid! It’s the last of macons…
Storks are clattering with persistence,
But the old home protracts forsaken.

Clatters fade while the nests grow bigger,
Little beaks are wide-open. Gliding,
Only pain can sustain its vigor
For the journey, as Blue as Monday.

Think of East, when I’m downed and praying,
When it’s nothing to brim, but bounty.
Home’s the best place for love and graying,
But my home’s in a foreign country.

June 4, 2009

Copyright ©2009 Iouri Lazirko


Рецензии
IOuri,
Great work! Absolutely love everything - the poignance of the last lines and the loopiness that leads up to it. It is also far more melodic than your earlier writing in English. I have only one remark: "groupies" the second time around sounds like you run out of ideas, anything esle you can use here? But overall it is fantastic, brilliant!
Best,
Dina


Беляева Дина   04.06.2009 23:12     Заявить о нарушении
Hi Dina,
I am so thankful to you for the comment.
You are right – this a bit overlapped with “groupies”.
I made a change. It’s a bit weak on rhyme, but makes more sense (I hope).
This verse is the variant of one of my Ukrainian verses, but I would say rethinking about the theme I portrayed 2 years ago.
I will make couple more like these remakes.
With gratitude,
Iouri :)

Юрий Лазирко   05.06.2009 00:33   Заявить о нарушении
Iouri,
This line still needs some work. But other than that the piece is eprfect.
More please!
Best,
Dina

Беляева Дина   05.06.2009 17:34   Заявить о нарушении
Yeap,
You're, as always right, I made yet another change - hope it's much better then the temp fix.
Thank you,
IOuri

Юрий Лазирко   09.06.2009 19:28   Заявить о нарушении
I'm not sure. It is smooth now, but expressively it is the weakest of all stanzas. There's something missing... But unlike my previous remarks, this perception is highly subjective. Others may think it is perfect, so you should not rely on my opinion this time.

Беляева Дина   09.06.2009 19:33   Заявить о нарушении
Thank you Dina,
Your opinion is one of the precious. I shall review it in the near future. I continue publishing remakes of my Ukrainian verses.
The next one is even more distance from the original…

Юрий Лазирко   09.06.2009 23:00   Заявить о нарушении
I mean distant... :)

Юрий Лазирко   09.06.2009 23:01   Заявить о нарушении
Hi, Dina,
I made yet another modification.
What dio you think?
Thank you,
Iouri

Юрий Лазирко   16.06.2009 20:14   Заявить о нарушении
I think it's perfect now. I really like your Blue Monday.

Беляева Дина   17.06.2009 04:40   Заявить о нарушении
Thank you, Dina.
All my recent poetry would look undercooked without your professional look…

Юрий Лазирко   18.06.2009 17:10   Заявить о нарушении
I only hope my comments are not scorching :)

Беляева Дина   18.06.2009 18:06   Заявить о нарушении