Quickest Way to a Man s Heart

I fell in love with a charming lad
Who looked like Keanu Reeves
This story, darlings, is so sad…
No pleasant memories

Quite innocent and oh so pure
I trembled from his looks
But now, girlfriends, I know for sure:
All men are dreadful crooks!

He put his hand upon my thigh,
I was about to pass
He said, and did not bat an eye:
“You have a lovely ass”

I thought I found a perfect mate
But I am rather classy
You can’t put out on the first date
Unless you are a hussy

I packed my boobs in "Maidenform"
And shaved my legs with care
My chest was heaving up a storm
I looked my best, I swear

I wore my heart right on my sleeve
And cooked a peppersteak
I was appallingly naпve,
Now - nursing a heartache

He drank Bombay Sapphire gin
And ate my steak with pleasure
He played me like a violin –
I thought I found a treasure

He gave my ass a mighty squeeze
Which is a sign of passion
I got, my friends, weak in the knees
Excited, shaking, blushing

He got up, saying with a sigh
"I’m out of cigarettes"
Walked out on me with no goodbye,
No pity, no regrets

Hell hath no fury like a broad
Who got stood up or scorned
That jerk turned out to be a fraud
Wish he was never born

The quickest way to a man’s heart
They say, is through his tummy,
But I’ll agree with Roseanne Barr:
It’s through his chest, you dummy!