A Ballad of Matt

A Ballad of Matt

By Maxim Varshavskiy


You might find extremely boring
Tale inspired by true story,
But I think that some of you
Might just laugh at what is true.

Anyone who reads these pages
(That includes all proper ages)
If you ever went to school
You would know what means being cool.

If you also lived on campus,
Had what’s called “cool people” status
This I’d not suggest to read,
If you know how to indeed.

Story this is like a portrait
Of a college mate of mine,
He was not… now what you call it?
Oh, I know - the brightest kind.

I should make you a confession:
Smart today is not in fashion,
Hero of the modern day
Had point seven GPA.

Yet to him it did not matter -
Dad took care of it all,
Hooking up with job is better
Than reach on your own your goal!

Just imagine: private college,
Dorm room - very small, no storage,
Classes, parties, and so on,
Being drunk, and being stoned.

Name of friend of mine was Matt,
Maybe you have even met!
Very nice, good looking kid,
Athlete, plays guitar… no shit.

If my reader is a female,
If you have an IM screen name,
And you dream of meeting Matt,
His screen name’s not hard to get.

But before you ask me for it,
I should tell you the whole story:
Thing he played was weird sport -
Something of a different sort.

Now girls love the football players,
Soccer players are OK,
But I never heard girls saying
That ping pong is cool to play.

Both acoustic and electric
Were on stands in our dorm,
He could play one song on that thing,
No… not one – tenth of a song.

But you girls just want to know
How the guy puts on a show,
So you trusted fairy tale,
And assumed that he could play.

Girls say always about men,
That we lie and use you then,
But despite of those outcries
You are glad to fall for lies.

Matt was partying it up:
Drank Bud Light cup after cup,
Did not bother much with classes,
Slept with girls, that had big asses.

Me he found completely lost,
Cause things mattered to him most,
That weren’t even on my list.
That’s all right, but now get this:

What is sacred to all girls,
Are expensive trendy clothes,
And since we are on that matter,
Then “the more such clothes the better!”

In this light I’d point it out:
Clothes is what Matt’s all about!
Live we in a fair world,
Matt would be a perfect girl.

Let me venture for a moment
In a ritual of his,
That was utterly important
Every day five times or six.

Does not matter the occasion,
He would always make it late -
Dressing up in fourteen stages,
Which would take him half a day.

Put pants on, then shoes, then sweater,
Baseball cap, shoelaces that
Match the clothes, turns out that latter
Does not go with chosen hat.

Change the hat, looks good, can go now,
In 5 minutes he’s back twice;
“What’s wrong dude?” “Pants are a let down –
Gucci looks bad with Levi’s.”

In 2 hours he is ready –
But occasion has now passed;
Process starts all over, maybe
Next try he can look his best.

On the floor in random order
Sixteen t-shirts, piles of pants,
Five colognes of different odor,
Rich variety of belts,

Hair gel all over bed sheets,
Brushes, combs of different sort…
Every girl’s dream guy, cause she meets
Owns reflection in his lot!

Seven hours of preparations -
He looks best he ever did:
Sweat pants, sneakers, goodness-gracious
Hottest “gym look” you would meet!

What I always found intriguing,
Is how people make good friends -
College let’s you really figure
Value of the “brother bands”

It’s around seven-eight hundred -
All depends on what you choose;
“Dude, what do you mean?” you wonder,
 Well, all frats have different rules.

Guys and girls that get together
For one purpose – maybe two:
Drink and fuck; who cares whether
Most of them fail out of school.

But confession is in order:
It’s my jealousy that talks,
Face it – say you never wanted
Fuck the shit out of these hoes!

They just look so sex-appealing
Panties, boots, shirt skirts. “My love,
I would chop my seven fingers,
If you take that tank top off!”

Girls are thinking: “What a pervert!”
Oh, come on! You’re guilty too!
Tell me that you never wanted
Drunken frat boy doing you!

Academics weren’t Matt’s virtue,
But he really was life-smart;
Therefore he kept on watching,
And in weeks figured it out.

If he put such endless effort
Into classes and in books,
He would probably be better
Than Einstein in physics proofs.

With no care about that
He decides to pledge instead;
All his strength to this he gave!
As for me – I’m not that brave.

To me it does not appeal
Chugging gallons of spoiled milk,
Streaking down the street in snow -
I still need my… well, you know.

But these obstacles he battled
As a hero on a quest,
Like a lion, it’s too bad that
There weren’t a single frat,

That would want him as a brother;
Three times answer was “Hell no!”
On the fourth he didn’t bother,
And joined what he was made for.

He had so much more in common
With this group than with the frat -
In sorority, with honor
He became the “sister Matt”.

Now you think: “That’s really lame!”,
I would tell you: “think again.”
Life among those girls for guys
Is a dream, a paradise!

All these girls and I’m not laughing,
Walk at home in next to nothing,
First few you weeks for Matt were tough,
Pants too tight, I guess, and stuff…

In a month it wearied off,
He was burnt, like on a stove;
Even of great thing as such
I suppose there is too much.

Although something to ponder,
It really is no wonder
That one day friend of mine
Woke up next to a guy.

Now, I think my hero Matt
Was a natural at that:
Doing ping pong means he knows
How to really play with balls.

In these times we all have faced it:
Glass half empty, glass half full,
Years passed, we graduated…
Our Matt is still in school.

Still a freshman, fails his classes,
Yet achievements raise the brows,
Worth applauding his advances
To “Big Mama” of the house!

All things end thus dear friends,
This good tale now also ends…
Let me say, to wrap this story:
World without Matt would be boring!