Философия страдания

Очерк
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Очень интересный разговор состоялся сегодня с Дэвидом. С одной стороны, это хороший способ не забыть английский, разговор по аське с настоящим американцем, с другой… Иногда хочется помечтать, что смогу отбить его у Джулии… Хотя разве дело в Дэвиде. Дело просто в том, что ужасно хочется завести роман с человеком, которого уже довольно долго и хорошо знаешь как человека прежде всего.
Мда, только все мои друзья противоположного пола давно разобраны. Заняты, то есть. А Дэвид мне почти как брат. Брат, которого у меня никогда не было. Я чем-то похожа на его сестру, внешне похожа, а значит, и внутренне. Странная закономерность, в которую многие не верят, ну и пусть не верят, это их дело на самом-то деле. Просто хороший человек! Он очень добрый, и я это чувствую. И он, в свою очередь, чувствует мою доброту. Поэтому у нас получилась такая вот человеческая привязанность. Дружеская, братская.
I am smiling, at least I am trying to be right now and I try as always. As always I am fine, sure! I came back from the country where for the question “How are you?” people always say “Fine!” Am I fine? How am I supposed to feel after being withdrawn from the country, from the richest country in the world? After being fired? Formally I was a student, I did not have a job, but really it was a job. He did not like me? He did not! He did not have to…

I was trying to work hard, I was working hard, that’s what I was ready to do, but it was not enough, he wanted me to change myself, to respect him!
For what??? For what he was doing to the people depending on him? I just had different priorities and values in this life than anyone else he met before.
That’s why he was surprised and mistaken. I have nothing to do with that but struggling against the hate, against starting to hate him no matter what he had done.
The hate will destroy me, and this can not be allowed, no way. I have to see the bright aspects of the situation. The problem is not in him actually, he was just a last drop to the problem.

I did not have anything else besides work, and I have nothing now, and what’s the most important thing I have no strength to follow the road I entered; because I have no idea where the road ends.

My body has suffered a lot as my soul has. It was not only the physical suffering, it was time when I desperately needed a hug of a man, of my friend, and I could not get it unlike anyone else around me. Anyone else around me had that possibility. Am I too strong? Am I able to go though it? Is it too much for other people and good enough for me to endure? Ha-ha-ha… My lips form a hysterical smile.
What’s next? Sometimes I really want to kill myself because I just can not go on anymore. That was just too much, I am not able to see the purpose of my existence anymore. I am not able to give; I am not able to sacrifice because I don’t know why…
Those guys had girlfriends, serious girlfriends and I was alone or what’s worse with a person who was trying to diminish my own value every time he could.
He was really successful in it. Unfortunately for him that was the only thing he was good at. But it is not my business.
I am falling asleep; I am falling into the world of dreams, the only place where my forbidden dreams and wishes can become reality.