The miracleworker

Perhaps you know of this link already, http://www.theatlantic.com/unbound/poetry/antholog/newbern/pain.htm
you can listen to the poem as well.

Personally, I would barter the mailman for a milkman, for mine never comes drunk nor in the morning. ;)

Regards,

Fern   06.06.2003 23:53   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Yes, I already know about the link. Anyway, thank you.
A person who comes neither drunk nor in the morning can win the respect of me...Although the pain comes not because of the mailman's being drunk...
But, you know, I didn't mean you are "the mailman", it was just a symbolic picture that I imagined.
Thanks again. Best wishes,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   07.06.2003 01:33   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Oh, I really meant the poem itself not the associations drawn which I can relay to. It is just that my (real) postman comes at bout 2 pm, but, I can guess it wouldn’t be a case with a milkman ;))) What are the other English/American poets you like?

Best,

Fern   07.06.2003 01:46   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Well, I like poems by Jennifer M.Pierson, Christy S.Sanford, Rita Dove...But, frankly speaking, I'm far more keen on Russian poetry. as for the writers I like Roald Dahl's stories, J.B.Priestly's("Jenny Villiers"is my favourite)
Best wishes,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   07.06.2003 13:06   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Ann, don't make me cry ;)

Or rather tell me where do you get the time to read... or, how old you are ;)))

Perhaps it is your profession, than my hat is off ;)

What do you look for when you read poetry or prose?

Best,

Fern   07.06.2003 19:38   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Oh, pleeeease, don't cry!..I'd better answer:I wish I were a PROFESSIONAL reader..hm. I have got no time to read, but do it somehow...When I start reading a book & really enjoy it I forget just about everything so that I can read all day long..But, you know, it happens NOT OFTEN AT ALL!.I mostly read short extracts, again & again, then forget about it & start reading another book...The preferences change as often as my mood changes (my mood is VERY changable, unfortunately) So I can't say that I read much, it all depends on my mood, & especially WHAT I read. I try to find smth that can touch me deeply, shower me with emotion, make me amazed, interested...
I'm far younger, than, I think, you suppose..very young. After reading my poems & short stories, how do you think, how old am I?
& what do you read? how old are you? Tell me something about yourself! I only know that you never come home drunk...

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   07.06.2003 23:07   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

;)

“I only know that you never come home drunk...” Yep, Saturday night motto ;))) Never was a goer but they just opened a couple of very nice lounges in DC, where you can actually spend some time without regretting it.

Well, reading is some what of a necessity to me now. If I do not read (which happens often) I feel distanced between myself and the beauty surrounded. For now I have a very queer log of books on my desk. It is Ulysses by Joyce, Gogol and Shakespeare. It takes these three men to keep me going ;)))

About me. I usually let other people answer this question. But, since no one is around I’ll reveal myself. Live and work in DC and loving it! Have many interesting people to be about with. Friends, dear friends, love them. 26 with no permanent relationship. Some what of a perfectionist and snobbish a bit.

You are. Yes, just by reading I would guess in between 16 and 19 – hopefully didn’t get far off the mark ;)

Where are you at? And what is the venue of your enterprise? Oh, yes, tell me if my guess is of any proximity. ;)))

Alright! Am off for night stroll.

Night-night.

Fern   08.06.2003 04:54   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Your guess is in a VERY CLOSE proximity...you're ABSOLUTELY right!..17 - to be exact. I'm a bit surprised...hm.
I'm leaving school on the 19th of June..I have to pass the last exam (algebra) tomorrow - and then will be preparing nights & days for entering St.Petersburg University, the faculty of journalistics( maybe PR or International journalistics-I haven't made up my mind yet). To be a successful journalist is what I realy want. Besides, I already have an experience of writung reports & taking an interview.
So, all my future life depends on wether I enter the University or not...
Mmm...Joyce? Very interesting..I've read a few stories from "The Dubliners", if I'm not mistaken. For now I read H.Wells ( "The War Of The Worlds") & Astafyev...
Do you have any dream?..
What sort of music do you like?..
p.s. Why "FERN"? Is it smth to do with "inFERNal"?

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   08.06.2003 16:17   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Prom sweet prom, is your dress of a great readiness? :) Yah, it’s Sunday morning for me. Brian Ferry foxtroting into my ear. The sky seemed to played jokes or… Or? Math – the witty wit. Luck on that one. PR – is it all about connecting people? Miraculous rapports.
Bloody ‘ell! Burning my kettle for the third time this week. Talked to a Russian journalist yesterday. But her mom is in town – she thinks… to be continued… Music. Still learning. House studio is of no influence. Guys play their joys and sorrows. Love Carmina Burana by ORFF and The Seventh Seal, by Bergman – the movie. Honestly couldn’t tell of your St. Pit’s habitat. Lets read a book together. Dream. Afraid to ask , for my whole existence is of a query. I think I do. No. Fern is the name of the street where my soul rests. My poor neighbors. Listening to Tchaikovsky till 4 am. ;) I want to go to the art gallery. Off I go.

Write me,

Fern   08.06.2003 20:10   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Ph...I feel So relieved now:I've passed that wretched exam!..Now it all is over! I can hardly imagine that I won't go to school anymore!..Strange a bit...Seems like I'm going to weep bitterly at the prom...You must be smiling at me at the moment for you have already got through all this. Are you?..
I had such a sweet dream last night...mmm, so sweet. Standing at the opened window with a friend of mine..forked lightning..very strong wind blowing at our faces..heavy rain..But I was not frightened at all & felt so secure...Looking at the flash of lightning & listening to the music of the thunder...
Woke up at 6 AM & for an hour was just lying in the bed feeling like I'm still dreaming..
Almonds-"Drinking Song" sung by Rob Dougan-a cup of green tea-Astafyev's novel - I'm probably staying home tonight..
You know, I dream of parachuting, playing violin & ...boxing a bit...
"Vanilla Sky"is my favourite movie
Regards,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   09.06.2003 15:03   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Congrats! What grade are you hoping for? It seems as you were very good student loving the school so much ;). Yep, I did smile for a moment. I remember my school years, what a blast they were. Still could have done some things different. I remember girls crying at my prom as well, I had a feeling of a family parting. And yes, after the school each of us went different paths and I think I am the only one from my class ending-up in the US.

Smiling again. I love thunderstorms! The best thing to do is to get into a car and drive on a interstate highway. The rain, the wind, forces of nature, and yet you are right in the middle of it, protected and warm, rain hits the sunroof, calm music, cup of tea, against all the odds. I do not know how to interpret dreams, all I say to my friends that it is all shows that you’ll be reach soon. ;))) Do you ever have lucid dreams?

Staying home. Where do you usually go? Yesterday, after visiting the Art Gallery I stopped by the Gay & Lesbian Pride Parade, right next to the Capitol Building - funny fellows. Rollerbladed with friends.

playing violin & ...boxing a bit... – got me laughing! It is quite marvelous though. Can almost imagine you in boxing shorts playing violin. ;))) Parachuting – perhaps I’ll try it this summer with instructor. What university will you apply to? And what major?

Best,

Fern   09.06.2003 21:53   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Well, I REALLY hope I'll get "5"! What's more, I'm likely to get a diploma with all "5"s! This means that I have a chance to enter The State University of ST.P-g (the most prestigious one in the city) if passing the first exam(writing a composition) with the highest mark. That's great! Although they say it is almost impossible to do...We'll see...
Hm..I think I love (or loveD?) my school..& it will probably be pretty hard for me to get used to not being at anymore...What is it? oh, it's just a "wind of change"blowing!..I like changes..
What do you mean by "lucid"dreams? Those which are clear & beautiful giving a feeling of pleasure?Or in which you're able to think clearly? I don't really remember, very few dreams are saved in my mind. Oh!..I remember the most strange one. I was standing on the top of the skyscraper with my heels right on the edge, watching the white fluffy clouds passing over me..The sun was shining so brightly with such a warmth..No one around. Very quite. Then suddenly I jumped backwards! I don't know why! I was just falling down beginning to realise that in a few seconds I'll die..that I had jumped down myself..that the sun is still shining. & at the same time I had such a feeling..like in Tytchev's poems: Everything was inside of me while I was inside of everything..just a few seconds before death..Then I woke up, breathing in deeply.
Where do I go? Somewhere. To the University ( I'm doing one-year journalism course preparing me for entering) To the rehearsal ( I play in a youth theatre), but the season is over now. To my girlfriend's who comes back from Sweeden twice a year for a week or two. To the museum. To the cinema with one of those good-looking boys who I start to hate as soon as become aware of being fallen in love with.. To the club, where a friend of mine with his band are slamming on their guitars...SOMEWHERE!
You know, it's been pouring with rain since yesterday evening, though last morning was so sunny...Strange, don't you think so? I wrote that short story "Áûëî ëè?..Ñ íàìè ëè?"..Then I had that dream I told you yesterday & then it really started raining!..Unbelievable..
I'm in the mood for writing MUCH tonight as you see, but it seems to be enough...(?)
Write soon,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   10.06.2003 15:13   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Isn’t it scary to be an A+ student all the way? ;))) Never was one. Preferred to learn at my own pace. Thought that the time given was given for other things as well. Scarcely remember my teachers. No. Remember actually two who inspired me greatly, one for his knowledge and zeal the other for his wit and teaching talent. May be there was a third one, do not remember. It’s so hard to find a good teacher. Do you have one?
Most of luck with the university admission, when do you take your exam?

No. The lucid dream is a dream which allows the sleeping person to participate in the dream actively, verses the regular dreams where one is to follow his daily emotions, fantasies, etc., In other words you actually know that you are dreaming and can change the developing dream, story whichever way you want. I had this dreams 3-4 times during
past 2-3 years. It gives you a superior feeling after you wake-up, but not for a long. ;)

“Then suddenly I jumped backwards! I don't know why! I was just falling down beginning to realise that in a few seconds I'll die…” - can guess you’ve tried flying or acquainting yourself with transcendentalism. What is you favorite play? I think I can guess you favorite character ;))). Yep, it isn’t alien to me as well, last year I played Caesar, a year before, Banquo – got slaughtered each time ;).

“…who I start to hate as soon as become aware of being fallen in love with…” – interesting but yet so innocent ;))).

“Strange, don't you think so?” – that might be called a self fulfilling prophecy, which isn’t devoured of some mysticism though. I’ll read "Áûëî ëè?..Ñ íàìè ëè?" again when I come back. I have a meeting @ 9:30 to be at. Please do write and do not limit yourself, I find your writings of interest. I like ýïèñòîëÿðíûé æàíð. Am off.

Bye-bye.

Fern   10.06.2003 16:27   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

..Isn't scary?..Wasn't scary?..No, not really. "Time is" SURELY "given for other things as well"! Being an A+ student doesn't mean spending all the time studying, doing HW & all that stuff! Not AT ALL! It's just the way that you get on with the teachers. You should make'em believe that you're intelligent & talanted person, dealing with'em poletely & skillfully. Being a nice diplomat is quite enouth. Only sometimes you should do the HW in the best way proving that you can be very serious. But most of the time you can simply enjoy the life like all the others do. That's the way I studied. It didn't take me a lot of time & was not difficult to understand the material given. Teachers? Oh, yeah. My English teacher is so energetic, so cheerful that we all were smiling happily after the lessons. & I do love my Physics teacher for her "teaching talant" I think, though I hate Physics itself...The Phycology teacher's really witty with such a warm smile...Others were mostly boring..
The exam. I take it on the 10th of July..& am extremely nervous about!..
Oh! I see now! I had that sort of dream. It usually happened when I fell asleep again after waking up & the dream I had had continued in the way I wanted. Like, you know, I was both the director of the dream & the actress playing the main part(Myself), & while I was dreaming I knew I were dreaming..
Our latest play is "Ïåð Ãþíò" by G.Ibsen, which is going to be performed only in September(I play Solveig). I think this one is my favourite - philosophical with lots to think of...
"Innocent"?..Ha-ha!Must be..It would be very funny if I insisted on being a cruel WOMAN, some kind of a pervert behaving in IMMORAL way or sth!..Ha-ha again. No, I'm just a bit spoilt by being keen on by many boys, I can't help flirting with them though don't want them all to be my boyfriendS. I let'em fall in love with me & then say "OH!I'm so SORRY!But blah-blah-blah.."Why couldn't they understand that the way I'm smiling, joking, etc & having good ralationships does NOT mean ANYTHING! ?! Why not to be just good friends, have fun, socialise, talk & so on, ah? Well, it all is not so bad though...In a few years, I think, problems I have will be far more serious...
I WANT CHOCOLATE! LOTS OF. MILK CHOCOLATE WITH ALMONDS!..OR WHITE...Mmm..
What's your sign of the zodiac?..Can you guess of mine?..
I didn't limit myself this time..
Night,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   10.06.2003 22:46   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

“What's your sign of the zodiac?..” – glad you are not asking me to guess what your real name is, or what color is your dog :))) I know that stars and the universe has something to do with our earthly existence but my knowledge of zodiac symbolism is less than limited. As to my sign – it is Virgo. People say that it’s a good sign, but it’s all ‘sounds Greek to me’.
Schooling. Interesting to see that you are actually acknowledging the fact that to get a good grade you don’t have to be a scholar. Have you watched a movie “The Beautiful Mind”? Do you ever have arguments with your teachers? Strange you didn’t mentioned literature. Or was it for the reason that you are ahead of your program already? What do you think of the teaching itself is it of any attraction to you? Diplomacy – “The patriotic art of lying for one’s country” – Ambrose Bierce, Devil’s Dictionary. :) Yep, lies lived – anyone can admit to at leas one.

Do you know any of the 10th July examiners? Or prospective questions? Ughu, it was a lucid dream and your description of it is very accurate. What language your play is being staged on? And what lines of your character you can describe as preferred?

Boys – quite an attractive matter to converse upon. Tell me what else, except from the attention received, you are after? Being a popular girl has its downsides as well I think. Being good friends (smiling) it is quite a challenge. From my perspective, a boy must have no interest in females, or there should be certain rules of communications established prior for a couple to be ‘just friends’. I had a couple of friends like that but suppressed emotions, feelings were not much fun to be about with. Also they made my girlfriend jealous hell like. Now it is worthy of note that many female friends (for some exceptions) after stocking up their multiple relationships in the closet and making up their minds became quite dull without future hopes for development. But the ones who didn’t live their lives to the fullest and receive my complete admiration every time we meet.

I did go through your prose again. It is filled with “þíîøåñêèé ìàêñèìàëèçì” and in the very beginning I thought you were talking about a pet, but was wrong. Liked the plot and emotions worded out, but there some phrases that sound bit awkward. “ÒÛ ñêàëèøü çóáû -óëûáàåøüñÿ. Âñêàêèâàåøü íà ïîäîêîííèê.” - sounds like a soundtrack from a horror movie.
A kiss under the rain. A kiss with tears under the rain. Why cry for help is awarded with a kiss? Really liked this one “Ïîòîìó, ÷òî òåïåðü, ïîä äîæäåì, íå âèäíî ìîèõ ñ ë å ç...”

Got sick all of the sudden. For the second day talking in a deep soft voice. Chocolate, they make the best truffles in the universe in the little bakery stores in Washington called “The Marvelous Market”, creamy dark chocolate truffles with orange peel. But not now. Did you get your chocolate yesterday? White chocolate – can’t say I am exempt from advertisements, but haven’t been victimized that far ;)

Best,

Fern   11.06.2003 19:46   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

..Not dog but cat, black cat. But it doesn’t matter…
Mine is Gemini.…Virgo. My Dad’s sign is Virgo, lots of my friends’ also..
I haven’t watched “The Beautiful Mind”.
I used to have arguments all the time. Esp. with my Biology teacher..She just hated me! Everything I said was wrong & she never put me 5..though I never asked to. I didn’t want to sink so low – to ask for good marks (others did). But then I proved that I was good at Biology & she began to respect me for this, maybe she even LIKED ME.
You know, I used to adore my Literature teacher for a long time. But one day I realized that I did not agree with her anymore. Her THEORIES do not seem to me as admirable as they used to…Besides, she never let me think myself & have my personal opinion…
It seems to me that teaching is not really my thing – I can’t stay calm when trying to explain sth for the 3rd or 4th time…
At the exam 3 topics to write a composition on will be given: the 1st one – of the 18-century Russian Literature, the 2nd-19, the 3rd-20.
Talked to my Math teacher yesterday, she told I got 5!..
Russian. Ñîëüâåéã is a deeply religious 15 - 16-year-old lady living in a patriarchal family, quite shy & inexperienced, but very strong & decisive at the same time. She leaves her parents & goes to the mountains to Ïåð Ãþíò alone, which would never be accepted by the society of the 18-century Norway..Her true love saves him at the end.
Oh, yeah, I did!..Milk chocolate with honey & almond nougat…The problem is that I can never limit myself eating chocolate. I can’t eat only 2 or 3 pieces & stop! No! I go on it, saying “Mmm..” & closing my eyes, until I feel completely satisfied. I’m happy it’s only about chocolate. If not I would have gained much weight!
Spent the evening with my classmate in the cinema &..realized that I don’t like him…the way he’s laughing…the way he’s looking at me…”Ñîáà÷üÿ ïðåäàííîñòü”, I will say…
Now I’m sitting here, listening to Brian Molko singing: «Hush, it’s oka-a-ay. Dry yo-o-our e-e-ey. Soul mate dries your e-e-ey. ‘Cause soul mate never die!..”,trying to find out “what I’m after”…Lost in my own feelings. Don’t know. I love the game called FLIRTATION, it just makes me feel good. But when it comes to serious relationships, to saying I LOVE YOU, I always RUN AWAY. Seems like..I’m afraid of feeling tied down, I don’t know..I don’t mean that I’m afraid of sexual relationships or sth like that, but ‘ïðèâÿçàííîñòü’ itself. I LIKE many guys but I can remember only one whose LOVE did not frighten me. Maybe I’m just too young & have not still met MY MAN... Well, thinking about this makes me feel depressed…
I really hope you’re feeling better now (Are you?..) & drink my cup of green tea to your health!..

Take care,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   12.06.2003 17:16   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Thunderstorm. Yes, it’s finally laid a proper hand on us! Sweet and short as one’s love. Rushed out to the porch head-up looking for the enchanter. Thunder and lightening God’s fireworks. Dump air got me back into the house. Went up coughing. Friends wanted to come and do solace. 30 C degrees now with humidity 40%. I’ll go for a walk in a little while trying myself out.

“Your followers deserve an explanation. Individual loyalty is pitted against civic duty. Your choice might be a tough one, but you'll be richer for making the right decision.” – that’s your daily zodiac quote for today. Didn’t bother to check on mine, more or less know how to spend my day. :)

My greetings on your math achievement! Your teacher must be very proud of you. Chocolate. Who would think that a product like that will be so much of influence on humanity. Do you know of any wars started because of chocolate? I think there should be at least one. ;) How big a chocolate bar should be for you to leave a piece or two for the next day? ;) My favorite is dark chocolate 90% cocoa. Killer taste.

Was smiling for quite some time after reading the last paragraph. Falling in love is no easy task. It often becomes impossible if you are a perfectionist. Going an extra mile just makes you irradiated. What do you value more in a relationship? In the last couple of months I learned to value my freedom and understood the need to have intellectual challenge present in a relationship. Looks matter. But it’s hard to say what are you being expected of on the other end. “Ñîáà÷üÿ ïðåäàííîñòü” – if it’s a real thing it’s not bad, but it leaves no challenges to go through. No mater what you do you can be certain that your partner won’t contradict or will always forgive you. Of course you are young! What depressing do you find in looking into your feelings? No answer? Well, there will be much joy after you find it. And if you are an attractive young girl, it’s not a matter of finding the answer, but of choosing the right one. I think.

Hopefully your depression is gone by now and the knowledge that the cup of green tea raised to my health helped, will make you feel better.

Best,

Fern   12.06.2003 19:53   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Went to bed at 3 AM I think…Woke up at 7 AM... Feel so strange now. I feel this way each time I do not get enough sleep: not sleepy, but not able to think clearly. Do not understand what I’m doing & what is happening around me, like, you know, in a dream, when your thoughts seem to be very loud. Strange. It’s raining again, but this time not so heavily… I went out (had to go to school to bring some documents needed & to cheer up those classmates passing the exam this rainy morning on Friday 13)… Very few people on the street, irritated, with their angry faces hidden behind the umbrellas…I was smiling & quietly singing sth like “Kiss the rain” by Billy Mayers…hm.
As you see I’m not depressed anymore!.. & no chocolate is left..ha-ha!.. If it was milk chocolate with hazelnut or dark chocolate with marzipan (I don’t like dark chocolate itself) maybe I would leave a few pieces for today (but not tomorrow!). A war because of the chocolate? Interesting…I would probably be the one who started it…
I think that the only love that is worth being fallen in is the one that takes your breath away, unbelievable one, when just thinking about the person you love makes you smile happily & your heart - beat faster. I felt it myself & I think unless love is that strong there is no point in having any serious relationships (I don’t mean friendship or sth). I most value being ALWAYS interested in person you have the relationships with. Nothing could be worse than two bored people sitting together with nothing to say & nothing to feel, simply got used to being together. &, of course, I value freedom!..
I don’t like ‘ñîáà÷üÿ ïðåäàííîñòü’ because it makes me feel somehow guilty…it reveals everything hidden inside, does not leave things unsaid (I think sth should be left unsaid). Maybe it should be some kind of sympathy even LOYALITY in relationships, but no one should be THAT DOG.
Going to have a breakfast.
I wish it was now a dark night & I was bathing in the sea gazing at the stars over me trying to realize how far they are…

Regards,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   13.06.2003 11:25   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Yep, can relay to your sea urge 101%. This memorial weekend we rented a house on the beach in NC, the place was called Kill Devil Hills. Each night we were walking on the shores talking universe, setting fireworks. Each morning I would disturb my friends with unprecedented breakfast requests, like tuna sashimi, or rare stake. After laughing at me they would help me to do it in. Then ocean. Neighbors were happy to see the city crowd and treated us royally with soft-shell crabs, fresh fish and moonshine. This summer I want to spent more time by the ocean (the closest beach is 2,5 hours away) than the previous one. Skin-dipping under the moon when the tide is in – somewhat unbelievable.

Fri. the 13. Can imagine you sprinkling your peers with holy water and reading prayers. Do you belong to any religion? The angry faces under the rain reminded me “Clockwise orange” by Kubrik, you remember the rain song from there? Interesting, any movie touched by genius no matter how gross it is, leaves you in a stage of contemplation rather than disturbance.

Love. It is new each time it comes to you, depending probably on the person you are falling in love with. There is something outlandish about it. I personally consider several types of love, I behave the same in most cases, but yet the feelings are different. It doesn’t take my breath away anymore, on the contrary, it fills me up with tender, happiness and the feeling of perfection for two of us. Yes, the absolute feeling. Paradise?
It is human, yet unearthly.

It seems as my sickness is coming to an end. Two boxes of Kleenex, bottle of NyQuil and three child sweating-like nights. Yes, and plenty of tea. Don’t remember when was the last time I drunk tea that much. I love tea. My favorite is Lapsang Suchong. It takes courage and well developed taste to handle it.

Morning mouth, bad images – Joyce, am to correct that.

P.S. I never thought that I’ll find internet conversations that appealing.

Best,

Fern   13.06.2003 17:20   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

..Spent the weekend at my grandparents’…Got bored a bit…But now it’s time to get ready for the prom – 3 days are left-no time for being bored..
Argued with a friend of mine…& when he called me (at 1 AM!) I didn’t got the phone. I was EXTREMELY angry about it for I hate being awakened in such a way, I can never fall asleep again after that. Oh, actually, it’s quite funny-embarrassed & sleepy ME sitting on the bed & making strange angry noises!.. My friends say that when they once tried to awaken me at night they could only hear sth like :”Îòâàëè!”,”Íó, áëèí, îòñòàíüòå îò ìåíÿ!”,”Äà ïîøëè âû âñå!..Ñâîëî÷è..”They never tried again & never let others…I don't quite remember that. Well, that’s me.
Oh, really! It is! By the time I first tried skinny-dipping I had just read “Ìàñòåð & Ìàðãàðèòà”by Bulgakov (& was really impressed) & while bathing I felt the same like Ìàðãàðèòà felt before that ball, you know, when she flied away from home on the broom…The most exciting thing is being underwater when you hear only little stones moving at the bottom, feeling the water softly touching your skin, your hair gently moving around your face; at this moment there’s nothing but you & the sea (have you heard that song, “Underwater”, by Delerium? Amazing!). If only I could spend a few hours underwater without the necessity to breath!..Though once I almost drowned during the storm while bathing alone (luckily I was saved), I’m not scared of the sea. However, sometimes it’s really dangerous…
I’m supposed to belong to the Christian religion (Orthodox Church), but I do not practice the religion. I believe in God, but taking part in ceremonies, praying, following the Lent & so on does not support your belief, belief is somewhere inside of you & does not need to be proved or shown to anyone: it just IS. Honestly, I do not think that God is an old man wearing long beard; it must be some invisible power.
Love…If it does not take my breath away I feel like it’s not enough…feel that it’s not as exciting as I expected. I’m afraid to get bored, to be disappointed…The fact that only imagination can make love that breathtaking, that as soon as you reach love it is no more that beautifully unknown, - frightens me & makes me start searching again & again.
Happy that you feel better!..As for tea, I like green one, esp. with jasmine, & I take neither sugar nor milk in my tea… Green tea, CHOCOLATE, almonds, strawberry yoghurt & honey –I can’t imagine my life without these things…

Write soon,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   15.06.2003 19:51   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

;) I hope that your night temper improves by the time you’ll have children, otherwise they’ll grow up in a desperate fear of a night. ;) No, I hate being awakened during the night too, unless it is an emergency or a matter of great importance. Well I am rather certain that you friend learned the lesson well ;). But, for the sake of the funny/angry noises, may be it wasn’t that bad. ;) I actually had a girlfriend who would bitch furiously at anyone brave enough to bother her during the night. Fun times they were. ;)

Weekend. Mine, on the contrary, was quite good. A farewell party on Fri. night and BBQ with close friends Sat. casually grown into a feast by midnight and a discovery of myself wondering about the bed, thinking, around 3:30 am. What do you actually do when you meet dumb people? Prom, well, now it’s only two days left. Take it easy a day before. High hills I suppose? And , forgive me for asking, who is the lucky one to have a pleasure of your company? Will they have a Prom Queen contest?

Ocean. Next week, can’t wait. I’ll listen to the “Underwater” tomorrow. Yep, remember Bulgakov, but I can’t really start describing my feelings it is just beyond the words. Will be in NY this week. Falling in love with the city, yet much happier leaving it. So much power, there no other city in the US as NY. Church, I prefer to think of myself as agnostic, or rather not to think on the subject at all. Often feel close to something divine, almost touching it, probably everybody else has it from time to time, but never close enough to reach an answer. Who are You – that’s the question I have. Abstracts are not fun anymore.

Why to have expectations in the first place? Are you not confident enough to think of the hundreds of ifs? Love is a mutual feeling (or at least we want it to be) which can fall a victim to uncertainty, jealousy etc., And actually through all the mishaps it may bring one to comprehend more or less the true meaning of it, which is different in each case. Be afraid not, get bored, get disappointed, (just do not get married at the early age ;))) later on you’ll be savoring each detail of past relationships without any regrets. Even the sour moment will sweeten.

Just killed a little fly. What would St. Peter do? Can imagine being punished by the god of the flies and sent to the eternal peril. Have you ever been to a foreign country? Actually I’ll give you a little recipe, unless you know it already. Take almonds, roast them till they get more brownish (don’t burn) put raisins on the top and turn the heat off. Take out in 30-45 sec. and mix it. You have to do it in a roaster or set your oven on ‘broil’.

Good night and good morning,

Fern   16.06.2003 06:43   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

I hope so…yet I can’t imagine myself having children, you know…It seems to happen with anyone else, but not me!..Though they say that time passes by VERY quickly, I wouldn’t believe it until feel it myself…

Dumb people…I meet’em not very often…I don’t know..Sometimes, if they are not only dumb, but also dull, I just RAN AWAY from them as fast as I can! & sometimes, if being in a mood for, I start playing jokes on them…but it’s not so interesting because of their not getting the jokes.

O, yeah! Too high for me, I think, so that I can hardly imagine wearing them ALL NIGHT!.. Aching feet…it’s just awful! Well, dancing BAREFOOT is not so bad, I think…

In Russia it’s not traditional to have a Prom Queen contest, though it must be sth wonderful…It’s just a ceremony of giving us the diplomas & all that stuff. Then the party starts (not in the school, but in a restaurant), then everyone goes to watch êàê ðàçâîäÿò ìîñòû over the Neva River, to gaze at the Cathedral of the Kazan Icon of the Virgin, at the Winter Palace, at the Rostral Columns on the Exchange Square at night, to walk along the Palace Square, St. Isaac’s Square, Nevsky & so on. Living in St. Petersburg has made it a tradition.

Next week?..mmm, lucky you are! I can only dream of going anywhere before having entered the University…I hope I’ll go to Stockholm this summer to visit my girlfriend. Yes, I have been to foreighn country a few times: twice to Cyprus, 3 times to Finland. Want to spend a few years somewhere on the shores of the Mediterranean (Greece, I suppose, or maybe Crete), of course, after graduating…Just a dream, like boxing…(Playing a violin & parachuting are quite real). We’ll see…

No-no, I’m not EXPECTING all the time, thinking of all the Ifs…In most of the cases as soon as the relationships are started, even a second before, I feel that it’s not what I really wanted, that it’s not enough. I begin to HATE the person said I LOVE YOU . ‘Ïðîòèâíî’ – that’s the way I feel at that moment, though it used to be sth, that I had wanted to happen, before. A feeling of great disappointment fills me & I can no more keep on being together. I said, IN MOST OF THE CASES, only sometimes it’s different. Maybe it is the only way it has to happen, however, that disappointment leaves me depressed. But I do not regret having any of those relationships…

Thanks for the recipe! I’ll try it. You know, I’ve cooked sth like that, but with peanuts. It must be much tastier with almonds…


Best,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   16.06.2003 12:58   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Hey there Annie. Dancing barefoot. Don’t get the clumsy one. Low key Monday for me. Work is of no burden and no inspiration as well. Foiled the urge of going for a night cocktail by watching Vertigo. Argued with a friend over a meaning of art and if there is a possibility to escape our nature. I think there is. He commented furiously, as always, on my last poem, he wrote “...Taction?... - Please. Once again I am lost in disparate words. If there is a "clandestine" meaning that connects all this, then it's very well hidden. Do you do it on purpose? If so you are running the risk to be the only admirer of your own art. Kisses,
Dobrolyubov.” I love his comments. He is a well developed materialist and each time he writes I pat myself on the back. What is the difference between an artist and a poet in your opinion? St. Pete’s is quite gorgeous at night, hope the weather will deliver to your aspirations. Was reading Hamlet today. “A little more than kin and less than kind” I think there is no end to perfection. Where did you learn English? I am almost falling asleep. Want to let you know that it is very pleasant to get a reply from you. Thanks. Oh! Love. “I feel that it’s not what I really wanted, that it’s not enough” – can you elaborate on this statement a bit more? Are you looking for understanding and challenge and physical likes? Or what? Love can change you as well for better or worst. Strange. Well I am still in a sail for it. Have you watched Monty Pythons? Pretty sarcastic but makes the point. “More matter with less art” – what is it with me and Shakespeare today? Alright am off to a dreamland. Will await your response. Hopefully you do not expect from our chatter as much as you expect from love. ;)))

Good day gentle lady,

Fern   17.06.2003 07:43   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Eating an apple & listening to “Dead can dance”…A bit frightening. More than a bit. Sounds both beautiful & terrifying…So that makes you afraid to close your eyes. Brrr!..Soft, charming voice of Lisa Garrard coming from NOWHERE. Violins playing gently. Like music is still alive in dead body, in stone. A movement coming out of sth stable. Never could listen to this sort of music for a long time – it takes me somewhere…too far from reality. It can be difficult to come back.

How do you find “Underwater”? The strings are just perfect, aren’t they? It’s one of my favorite on the whole album, yet not the most.

An artist & a poet…Once heard on the radio: “Òàêàÿ òåìà, âðóáàéñÿ, ñòðàíà: ëþäè õîòÿò ïîåçèè-íà, ïî-ýé-ýéçèè-ÍÀ!” & then sth like:“Íè çàïàäíûõ ñõåì, íè âîñòî÷íûõ òðàäèöèé, íè óäîâëåòâîðåíèÿ ëè÷íûõ àìáèöèé… Íè ìåëêèõ êóïþð, íè áîëüøîãî îêëàäà – ýòîãî íè÷åãî íå íàäî!..”The ‘poetry’ means not only the poetry itself, but all the beauty, the inspiration, the spiritual & sensory pleasure, emotions expressed also. All this can be expressed by an artist & a poet as well. &, of course, by an actor, by a musician... They all are very closely connected. The difference is in the way they express the idea. I do not remember who exactly said that only a half of a book is written by the writer, another one is written by the reader. So, a musician let you feel with your sense of hearing, an artist – with the sense of sight, & you use all the other senses in your imagination to make the feeling complete. The same with an actor & a poet. That’s the way I think.

I learned it at school (it is specialized in English & Russian) & attended an extra course.

The experience I got is yet not enough to say what exactly I’m looking for, only after tasting sth I can realize whether it was the one I had been looking for. I’m sure that I’m NOT searching for only the physical part of the relationships; for the sort of relationships when people are simply used to being together with no feelings…I’ll try to explain what I FEEL THAT ITS NOT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR means. I’m keen on a guy, after some time he decides to say I LOVE YOU & the second before he does it, when I feel that it will happen, a strong feeling of disappointment, even hatred, fills me. I can never explain it. Sometimes it goes away in a few days, sometimes not. It’s very hard to comment the way I feel. Almost every time it is the same. I wish I could control it, but no way! In most of the cases the prelude to the relationships seems far more attractive than the relat-s themselves. Lost again in my feelings…

You know, to get a reply from YOU is not less pleasant!..

Write soon,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   17.06.2003 17:44   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

;) Violins you say… and boxing… Yep, I bought Delirium’s CD called Poem. Listened to it while in the car. I am still learning, may be it was too foolish but I always thought that the music I listen to is criteria to music as a whole and only about 2 years ago I discovered that there is plenty of good music beyond my boundaries. “Underwater” is a quality song, yet, the immature voice of the singer and Enigma-like beginning turned me off a bit, but I listened more and can compliment you on catching the violin, which, to my taste, should’ve been the lead. But it is a good song overall. It makes you want to brace someone and swim or fly away. Have you ever heard of Morcheeba? It took me a while to recognize the band as well, but I severely fell for Over and Over. Listen to it if you’ll have a chance and tell me what you think of it. If you have trouble getting it I can upload it on the web and send the link.

Hm… I have a bit different perception of poetry and art, to me it’s like the maker of the tastiest cake and the maker of the most perfect car. Yes, we use it, yes we can relay to it, but one can’t be both, can he? I really compliment you on your English, your written English is quite fine. Can’t even think what would’ve become of me if I knew it that well at your age. My cat ran away. Basil the First was ridden over, I wrote him a note “Åù¸ îäíà ñìåðòü”, Basil the Second just took it off… just like that. Well I couldn’t get over a dilemma whether to neuter a cat or not. Being of the same gender, it makes it tough, you know. So I didn’t. All sorrows for the sake of the balls, stupid me. But if I get another cat I’ll face the same problem…

If you are kin on a guy, why you are not the first one to say I love you or stop him from saying that? Talking it over in the beginning of a relationship? Rephrasing the Shakespeare it would be… more meaning with less love, perhaps? ;))) Well, you are the lucky one, you have the whole life ahead of you to explore ;))) Is your Prom today or tomorrow? Well if am too late, still want to let you know that I wished it to be unforgettable. Sail on girlie, all the winds are your way. ;)))

Good night to you,

Fern   17.06.2003 23:35   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

The prom is tomorrow - you're not late - I hope it will!..
Yesterday talked to my girlfriend (who is in Sweden now, I told you before)...oh, I miss her so much...She used to be my classmate until the 8th form, then moved to Stockholm with her family. No matter how far away from each other we are we're still very close, we got through all the difficulties: time & distance...Among all those who I call friends she's the only FRIEND. Have you got a true friend?..
Delerium. "Myth" is my favorite, though rather Gregorian chant & the violin playing at the beginning & the guitar, than the song itself."Karma" by Delerium is very interesting, yet seems to be completely different from the "Poem".
Oh, yes, I've heard of Morcheeba."Be Yourself", "Otherwise",mmm..."World Looking In"...& sth, I don't remember, very melodic & quite...& less popular... The voice is really beautiful.
Oh, I'm very sorry for your cat(s)!..Mine (Caesar) has once jumped out of the opened window. I was looking for for about an hour & then found Caesar on the street sitting under the car, frozen with fear & pain, breathing very hardly. I couldn't stop crying while calling the emergency, couldn't say a word...But it all ended happily, Caezar is alright now. But, you know, sometimes my cat is so annoying that just drives me mad!..
Have been wearing these terrible high-heeled shoes for 3 hours tonight...Awful. I hate high heels. What shall I do when wearing high-heeled shoes & suits becomes an everyday necessity?..Brr..
Gloomy evening...feet are cold. Could hardly believe, that it's summer...
Love...I think, nothing should be said. If it is love it doesn't need to be told about...it just IS. Words mean nothing. If it is NOT, they won't help & won't change it.
'Îáðàç òâîé, ìó÷èòåëüíûé è çûáêèé, ÿ íå ìîã â òóìàíå îñÿçàòü. "Ãîñïîäè!" - ñêàçàë ÿ ïî îøèáêå, ñàì òîãî íå äóìàÿ ñêàçàòü. Áîæüå èìÿ, êàê áîëüøàÿ ïòèöà, âûëåòåëî èç ìîåé ãðóäè - âïåðåäè ãóñòîé òóìàí êëóáèòñÿ, è ïóñòàÿ êëåòêà ïîçàäè.'Î.Ìàíäåëüøòàì...

Night,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   18.06.2003 21:34   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Hey there stranger ;) . Friends, the curse of a blessing. Do. And love each one of them dearly. And are present yet laughing their souls out. Sorry for the short note. How’s prom? All in one piece? Feet? I am into radiant incursion.

Must close now. With fondest sympathy,

Fern   20.06.2003 08:14   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Oh…it seems that NOW I’ve got enough sleep. The prom started at 6 PM the day before yesterday & I came home only at 10 AM yesterday. After 3 hours of sleeping we kept on celebrating until 10 PM yesterday…that was great!..only now I’ve realized how much I like them all, & I feel that we’re INDEED a family. We’ve been together for nearly 10 years & there’s still so much to know about each person…The prom was really unforgettable, I’m sure that even if we will never meet again with someone we’ll have happy memories about being at school. Oh, but my feet have been aching awfully all night long & all morning long & they still ache! 16 hours of wearing high heels, just imagine it!.. Though it didn’t spoil the prom, nothing can make me put those terrible shoes again!

Now having a breakfast & listening to Rob Dougan. Feel a bit sad…Don’t like when sth comes to an end.

Well, new life has began…No school. Exams. Stress. Hm, I’m ready!..
Am to go to have photos taken for the application.


Write soon,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   21.06.2003 13:16   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

It was never this cold and rainy in June here in DC, had to postpone my ocean trip till it gets warmer. Glad you enjoyed your prom. Aching feet is probably nothing for the memories gotten. Well, when something ends and you feel sad about it, it truly means that the time spent was worth it. Fri spent in a company of Russian women lawyers, one of them had a B-day. Very strange. Glad that I didn’t go to law school. Sat. had a midnight snack with friends at a French restaurant in Georgetown (one of the posh neighborhoods in DC). Was completely surprised that one can actually get clam linguini of good quality at 2 am. I even wrote something nice on the receipt paid. Hm, breakfast, a cap of tea will make it for me. Can’t think of another bite of food till evening likely. If it won’t rain today will go rollerblading with friends. Yep, get ready for the exams to pass and a new life to conquer.

Best,

Fern   22.06.2003 17:10   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Sorry for not writing for so long...I was AWFULLY busy! Today is the first time I'm home so early - 4 PM...never been so tired, I lost 3 kg these days, can you imagine?! That's just terrible:no time to eat, no time to sleep...to make matters worse, I've fallen in love...it seems. When love should be the last thing to think of!..With a person I've seen only twice & once talked on the phone!..Something unbelievable!..But, you know, I never felt this way before...it makes me so happy, takes my breath away...'Ëþáîâü - ýòî èñêðåííåå âîñõèùåíèå ñóùåñòâîâàíèåì äðóãîãî ÷åëîâåêà,' - someone told me...it is. I cannot discribe it...Hopefully, I won't be disappointed this time...No-no-no!..Surely I won't!..It seems to be just inmpossible...& I don't want to think about how long it all is going to last...just am afraid of loosing this feeling inside. Hm...

Have a nice day (evening?)...

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   27.06.2003 16:48   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

All righty! There you go! I always knew that ñ÷àñòüå íåèçáåæíî. Whence the love-day comes. Was out for a couple of days. Wishful thinking of the ocean ended me up in the mountains. So much different. Sea lands and sky ups. Different emotions, even thoughts. Enjoyed the horses, a friend of mine has 14 of them plus the two neylyborns. Last year I’ve got to name one, it was a white mare Heavenly I named it. Peacocks were hilarious, three with those huge tails making primal noises walking by each other importantly. And my favorite glasswalled bedroom, waking up with a mountain view in your eyes. Not to name 40 potbelly pigs wondering around and other gracious gifts of mother nature. Really excited for your fondness of that fellow. Lucky bustard, we say it here. ;) Most of luck on everything. 8 hours time difference, we are behind.

Best,

Fern   30.06.2003 20:26   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

I'm here again...things have changed so much, you won't even believe! I'm happy...really happy...entering the Unuversity would make my hqappiness COMPLETE...Remember that guy I told you? We're together now & everything's going PERFECTLY, I can hardly believe it myself...sth wonderful. A sort of relationships I could only dream of...I'm afraid to spoil it all by such an idealization...I'm not disappointed...at all...strange a bit...I know that the higher I fly the more I'll hurt myself when falling down, but I don't care about that now. The only thing that I'm a little scared of is to get bored of such PERFECT feelings & relationships & of the way they are going, an ideal way...Yet not now!..Now there's only this wonderful feeling inside...
I've got an exam the day after tomorrow...brrrr!
The weather is AWFUL!Is it summer or what?! Terrible rain, sky covered with grey clouds & wind blowing through the T-shirt...I really hope that the weather is more satisfying where you are...How is the ocean, have you already been there?

Write soon,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   09.07.2003 17:19   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Hello again! Almost forgot bout sweet chatter we had. ;) No, from the experience I have the higher you fly - the longer you fly the same height with a feeling of void, if you brake-up. Well, when you get bored get back to me for a cheer. ;) Strange, the more perfect relationship one has, makes him distant from everything else except the relationship (from own experience again). Yep, spent this weekend there. Breakfast and supper on the beach, nights full of the incredible… Cape Henlopen. Not many people, at night it was just 4 of us for the whole seashore, for the whole universe it seemed. Got a book called “The Best American Poetry 1997”. Somewhat challenging, yet I love what I write. Thinking of submitting a poem or two to some literary review magazine. Rollerbladed yesterday through the streets of DC with a friend. Albright, have to go, tell me a bit more how the happy times go. ;)

Best,

Fern   09.07.2003 18:11   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Back again…!...My “perfect love” has gone wrong – it is not hard to guess I think!..My complete happiness lasted not more than about a week – an amazing Week filled with not less amazing Days spent with HIM…& suddenly he turned out to be INCREDIBLY JEALOUS! All the time he was asking me about my friends & why, the Hell, did they call me on the phone, why did some of them send me SO MANY SMSs, where in the world had I been that evening & why didn’t I call him, who were all those greeting cards from & all that stuff, you know.!!!It was awful! He never stopped saying:I LOVE YOU!..I COULD HARDLY IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU!..YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE I NEED!..I’M SO HAPPY I ‘VE GOT YOU!.. But the worst thing about it was that he wanted me to tell him the same, to repeat it as often as I could. He seems to be a boy that dreams of playing dolls, to get pleasure of the fact that a doll belongs ONLY to him & he can brush her beautiful hair, change her clothes & etc. Maybe he didn’t play enough in his childhood?! It drove him mad to see a man looking at me…I feel like I used to be some king of a mania for him. It’s such an unpleasant feeling, I hope you know what I mean…Damn all that boyfriends!..I’m so happy to become FREE again that I do NOT need any of them now. Just to enjoy this wonderful feeling of INDEPENDENCE like taking a deep breath …
About the university. I didn’t manage to go through bribery & corruption of the system of education in Russia & to get education free of charge turned out absolutely unreal…So I’ll study at the faculty (International journalistic) for money. If I pass all the exams next summer perfectly I’ll be given a chance to study free.
My girlfriend comes from Sweden in a couple of days & we’ll spend 2 weeks together in the countryside in her house…& then I’ll study, study & study again! the following year is going to be extremely hard!..
Well, I hope you’re having great time there, because my summer that has almost passed is not really enjoyable now!..

Best wishes,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   31.07.2003 21:53   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

There you are! Sorry it didn’t work out, but if there is something left for memories and mysterious smiles to come out from, it’s all good. Don’t know about dolls but Othello is probably not the play he glanced at that’s for sure. Men are the subjects or rather victims of jealousy by default, and Russian men are much more so, seems to me. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. ;))) they say it here, even if you have AIDS they say it still. What a believing nation. So, who left who? Knowing very little about your relationship it is hard to say anything, but I am rather certain of all ends coming together and sprouting again in the garden of good and evil. ;)))) Smiled throughout your letter. ;) Memory backflashes. Even had a fight once. Perhaps there is a way to grow out of it. Perhaps. Too bad you didn’t get accepted fee free. In the universities here they don’t say faculty, it means teachers, professors (I got a bit puzzled at first). You can say that you are a college student majoring in International Journalism. Keep your chin up. You are on the right track, you’ll get there the next year. With your determination I have very little doubt about it. … Damn all that boyfriends!.. you are pissed aren’t you? ;))) It might be your motto for the coming school year. ;))) … till another perfect one touches your heart. Sweden, haven’t we defeated them already? ;)

Yep, my summer is fantastic! One of the best I might say. Plenty of ocean, laughs quality time as well. Not feminine enough though. Akin to yourself seem to have the same quandary for the opposite sex. Well, who cares about it nowdays. ;)))

Keep in touch,

Fern   01.08.2003 01:14   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Am I pissed?..Oh, yes, more than…yet not AM – HAVE BEEN. It all seems to have happened years ago…
I left him, of course!..His leaving me would be VERY hard to imagine, you know!.. Sometimes I felt like he’s about to be with me FOREVER (what a terrifying word!)Brr!..He, with his SERIOUS intentions, talking about SERIOUS relationships, about his SERIOUS plans for future…He wanted to be aware of EVERYTHING I did, EVERYWHERE I went, EVERYONE I socialized with, the exact time of my waking up & falling asleep also, just imagine!..To make matters worse, he always asked WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT AT THE MOMENT? It is really sth I can’t stand!..More than enough!My thoughts are ONLY my & there’s sth I wanna share with no one, he’s got no right to break into my mind!..
His complete happiness consisted of the determination that I BELONG to him & ability to show me to his friends & parents, to brag. He only enjoyed the fact of having me, not physically; of course.It’s strange that I don’t feel disappointed by those relationships or sorry for them, only satisfied that they are over.
Reading “Anna Karenina” for the third day…interesting, yet I can’t help feeling bored by doing nothing. Want my friend to come as soon as possible…
Oh, it’s too late! Have to go to bed, though have lots to write!

Night,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   02.08.2003 00:02   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Freedom, especially personal freedom is very hard to keep once you’ve gotten it. A burden. Well, as to the fellow, from your words it’s clear he is a control freak, mixed with jealousy brrrrr… Glad you were able to get out at the early stage ;) Is he still calling you? Having the worst morning possible. Started with a surprise b-day party at a beach club. Russian-American couple, very sweet. Some people do make it to happiness. A friend of mine imposed a cigar, still can’t get it. Mouth full of shit now. Despite the fact it was one of the brandiest cigars. Instead of going to the ocean ended-up at my house. The guys were rehearsing, found a drummer, sound so much better now. Probably will go live in a month or two. A never empty house. Ordered Chinese, it really hits you in the stomach. The best part – fortune cookies. Just add the words ‘in bed’ at the end. Now paying the dues for the drinks mixed, can’t think straight. Still have a racquetball game scheduled. What a dread. Actually what is the legal drinking age in Russia? Why people drink? Hate myself. Karenina, was it on your summer booklist or just pure love? Reading Odyssey… and men raised their hands to fight… Started www.bloknot.net with a friend, have to comment on what he wrote…

So long,

Fern   03.08.2003 20:24   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Mmmm...that was the first night for the last 2 or 3 weeks spent at home!..Never slept so tight...My girlfriend left for Stockholm again & I miss her even now. Hm..it will be pretty hard to get used to normal life. Oh, we had such a great time: laughing, talking all the time, watching lots of movies, having barbecue in the country (we spent the whole week alone living in a small cottage, & just imagine it(!):we cut the firewoods & made a fire ourselves!), sitting in a sauna, drinking wine (one sunny morning, after drinking too much Madeira at night, I woke up in the kitchen instead of bedroom, where I fell asleep, & it took me lots of time to remember what ,the Hell, I was doing there!oh, you asked me about the legal drinking age in Russia?actually, it is 18...but what can be legal in Russia? especially if it is sth to do with alcohol!), reading 'Lolita' by Nabokov aloud (have you ever read it?), riding bikes & simply having fun...Karenina. Not really LOVE, I just realised that I really wanted to read it. Very soon my new life will start...what's it gonna be like?..you know, the night before I had such a strange dream: I was talking to myself & describing what had happened: I had sex with a friend of mine (who I argued with last month, not the one I told you about)after taking drugs (he made use it!)...It was horrorful!..I was shouting at myself furiously, I have never been so angry, so nervous, I can't even explain how much I regreted of sth that somehow had happened & I had no idea what to do...I was just crying with an unbelievable hatred:"What have you done?!how could you...Oh, God!!!...."the question is why there were two of 'Me'? 0ne was good & another - bad part of mine, or what?..I never wanted to taste drugs & could hardly imagine sex with that guy, I do not think that the dream was like the release of my hidden desires...But I never felt so happy to wake up & realise that it was just a dream...I'll see him on Monday & I don't know how I'll look him in the eye...

Well, I have to go now. I hope you're smiling but not laughing at the little girl who faced with drugs, alcohol & sex...ha-ha!..

Write soon,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   21.08.2003 21:05   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Sleep tight, don’t let the bugs bite… ;) “we cut the firewoods & made a fire ourselves!” – girl scouts to the fullest ;))) Now you can say that your summer wasn’t all in vain. ;) Thinking of friends, do not think I could spent two weeks, even with the closest ones, together. A girlfriend, maybe yes. Personal freedoms, tiny little things yet important to me and of observance ;))). Well, maybe not. Went to Dewey Beach two weeks ago, and what do you think, Byelorussians, five thousand of them were brought to the entire seashore to work during the summer, boys, girls, in their early twenties. Strange to converse at first, then not interesting. Never thought would be this picky. Leaving for the ocean for 4 days next week to NC. Huge 6 bedroom house rented with pool and Jacuzzi. About 14 of us will go, funpromised days. Wine. Weakness for good red Zinfandels, Mother Zin is my favorite. If you get a chance, you won’t regret it. Yes, I did, in Russian though, Lolita – so much to learn and think of. What this book makes you think? “Very soon my new life will start...” – lucky you. ;))) Sex between friends - actually it is a reality in the lives of most grown-ups. Not that you need it though, but sometimes you do. Look straight in the eye and tell him that you never were, or is , nor will, for this matter, have sex with him, and just keep staring straight his eyes. Quite a reaction it should bring out. Drugs – it is something I haven’t discovered yet. … my hidden desires … well, for all the dreams, the explanation I have is that you are going to be rich. When people tell me their dreams, all I say that it is ê äåíüãàì. ;))) I do not know how to interpret dreams, perhaps I should. O, just found out recently that I am a Dragon by Chinese horoscope, whatever that means. Stars, horoscopes, girls seem to be more interested in the astrology than men. Are you?

Yep, I always smile when I get a note from you. Sometimes for no reason, you are probably the most permanent pen-pal I had so far ;))). Actually no, my ex-wife comes first. And as to drugs, alcohol & sex... for as long as it is in your dreams or you are in control of it, it’s all tolerable. ;)))

Smilingly closing now,





Fern   22.08.2003 18:35   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Hm..actually, only those two weeks were my real summer!..They just gave me the awareness that summer is somewhere not far from me & can easily be reached, let me smell it, yet not taste & then – shhh – disappeared!..But I at least managed to smell it! & that is not so bad I think…Mmm, those 14 days were amazing 14 days & they did worth living!..This is what should be called magic: 3 months contained in 2 weeks!..

New life, you’re right – I must be lucky!..I’m sure it will be sth exciting, filled with new events & faces, feelings & relationships, INTERESTING (that is the only thing the life should be lived for).

Yesterday I’ve been at the International Festival of Bikers & it was quite interesting: all those big bearded men sitting proudly on their motorbikes, rock bands slamming on their guitars, black leather & shining metal, long mostly dirty hear & lots of beer…When talking to you they are not as aggressive or angry as they seem to, yet if I met some of them in the street I’d probably prefer not to ask them about the time, you know!..

Just talked to a friend of mine, twice ex-boyfriend; we haven’t been in touch for..more than a month & I’m glad it was he who called first! There’s sth very nice about our chatter, but the problem is that we interrupt each other all the time! Anyway, there’s always sth to be told & that is definitely good point!..

‘Lolita’. It makes me feel somehow depressed…a great sadness between the lines, world full of nothing, crazy emptiness – I find myself somewhere in that world while reading. The novel makes me feel miserable…like sth to do with death..like grief…like incredible sorrow.

You're Dragon? My Dad's also...I'm a Tiger!..They say that Tigers born under the sign of Gemini are supposed to be revolutionaries...Horoscopes, stars, signs of the Zodiac & all that stuff - it is pretty interesting provided that you believe it not really much...

Well, I’m REALLY hungry now!..I’ll bite into the mouse unless I have my supper!..

Ocean? That's great! Aaah...(I sigh)

Enjoy yourself!..

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   25.08.2003 17:58   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Two more days and one of them my b-day and I am in the wild talking to mermaids ;))) For the first time in my life was able to identify what I really want. Friends asking. Was skating with a friend yesterday, she said my reply to the: what do you want for your b-day, question should be a time set for the party and the present is for everyone not to come ;))) the opposite of a flash-mob.;) Well, it is some what of anticipated date for me. What are your b-day preferences are?

Bikers, Hell’s Angels they call them here, on veteran’s day dc is filled with roaring noises and colorfully looking silly sods ;))) Twice, in his life, biker is really happy, once when he buys the bike and the second time when he sells it. One of my close friends got a chopper in the beginning of summer, first question I asked if he signed the organ-donor card, gosh they crush so mercilessly. He sold it in three months, was quite happy. ;) Well he is into speeds, gotten himself a Mustang, lowered it, powered it, did all sort of things to the vehicle, must acknowledge looks good.

Double x-es are usually fun to spend time with. If he interrupts the next time, just bite him ;))) Lolita, yes it is a very disturbing piece of literature, I agree. Yet, the language, the feeling, it is just so vivid. Nobokov, what did he know about life? ;)))

All about looks, went to gym today. Why didn’t I just ran outside, perfect weather, park. Agh, sometimes things you do are not to be understood. Even by yourself. Well, talking food, have to hit the stores to accommodate about 20-25 people victual-wise. And there will be more at the ocean. Apologies for buggin’ what is you favorite b-day recipe?

Night,

Fern   27.08.2003 00:10   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Two more days and one of them my b-day and I am in the wild talking to mermaids ;))) For the first time in my life was able to identify what I really want. Friends asking. Was skating with a friend yesterday, she said my reply to the: what do you want for your b-day, question should be a time set for the party and the present is for everyone not to come ;))) the opposite of a flash-mob.;) Well, it is some what of anticipated date for me. What are your b-day preferences are?

Bikers, Hell’s Angels they call them here, on veteran’s day dc is filled with roaring noises and colorfully looking silly sods ;))) Twice, in his life, biker is really happy, once when he buys the bike and the second time when he sells it. One of my close friends got a chopper in the beginning of summer, first question I asked if he signed the organ-donor card, gosh they crush so mercilessly. He sold it in three months, was quite happy. ;) Well he is into speeds, gotten himself a Mustang, lowered it, powered it, did all sort of things to the vehicle, must acknowledge looks good.

Double x-es are usually fun to spend time with. If he interrupts the next time, just bite him ;))) Lolita, yes it is a very disturbing piece of literature, I agree. Yet, the language, the feeling, it is just so vivid. Nobokov, what did he know about life? ;)))

All about looks, went to gym today. Why didn’t I just ran outside, perfect weather, park. Agh, sometimes things you do are not to be understood. Even by yourself. Well, talking food, have to hit the stores to accommodate about 20-25 people victual-wise. And there will be more at the ocean. Apologies for buggin’ what is you favorite b-day recipe?

Night,

Fern   27.08.2003 00:10   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

hello!..haven't been here for ages;)
you must have forgotten about our chatter - so much time has passed!;)
i do not really know what i'm doing here, it's 1 am & i'm supposed to be already asleep;) i just...somehow found myself here, on stihi.ru, & merely realized that i wanna write you sth you maybe even won't read...quite funny;)
lots of things have changed;) i've become a real student of the university with lack of time, lack of food yet lots of emotions, completely new relationships & sth absolutely different about the life itself:)my dream about boxing came into life!..i'm boxing twice a week & that's amazing! it makes everyone & me also laugh when imagining myself on the ring!..although i'm not really sure about taking part in tournaments (i'd prefer not to, my face & teeth are too dear for me!) the thing itself is of somewhat interesting & exciting:)the next one is violin ;)
last weekend i performed as solveig, we played the first act of PER GUNT on stage, hopefully, the next two ones will be done by this spring;)
my life is now much different from the previous one &, you know, i like it...though maybe my point of view has changed rather than life itself...
Best,

Ýíí Ñüþàðä   11.10.2003 01:20   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè

Hey there! Glad you are doing well! What’s new in this life? People change, views, challenges, goals and time just starts running faster at some point. Congrats on your performance! Desire to become an actress? Thanks for writing, it’s always good to know what happens to pen pals :) Quite busy myself. Write when you get a chance, I’ll read and reply in manner timely ;)

Good luck!

Fern   21.10.2003 07:06   Çàÿâèòü î íàðóøåíèè