Рецензии на произведение «Лермонтов-Прощай, немытая Россия - In English»
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I am uneasy about your using different words for страна, it produces the impression of a contrast, "land of slaves" but "state of lords", which I do not think was Lermontov's intent. It was rather the land of slaves and at the same time the land of lords. So it would be better to repeat "land".
Next, I would say "the" navy-coated marshals, not "its". Sounds more natural to me.
Finally, the word "Caucasian" is too much tainted, at least in modern American English; it takes therefore some effort to associate "Caucasian ridges" with the ridges of Caucasus. Also emirs' preachers are not the same as their spies. Let me make a bold suggestion here:
Perhaps behind the wall of Caucus'
I will be safe from your emirs,
From their all-overseeing office
From their all-overhearing ears.
I do not mean criticism here or editorializing. Just a dialogue. I am generally very impressed by your magnificent translations!
Cli
Clittary Hilton 28.04.2013 21:24 Заявить о нарушении
Literally Lermontov said: The country of slaves, the country of lords.
I don't know how focused was Lermontov's thought here, but I have no doubt
that out of all possible variations of the phrase in English, he would
choose "The land of slaves, the state of lords". The contrast is exactly
the one that makes sense here: the land populated by slaves, and the state empowering the lords. It matches perfectly the phonetic contrast:
L(and) - S(laves), S(tate) - L(ords).
As about "Caucus - office", where you perhaps meant "Caucas" - it is probably a non-word (though Google translate does recognize it and gives it a very awkward sound - like Russian "kukish"), while "office", next to "emirs", also appears taken from a different lexical layer.
(Yet, if you ever need a translation of this poem, you are free
to use the variant that you like the best :-)
Cheers,
Alexander
Александр Гивенталь 06.05.2013 13:33 Заявить о нарушении
Хороший перевод, мне кажется, но не думаю, что "dedicated" - соответствует: я бы написал, например, devoted to them herds.
Счастливо!
Вячеслав Чистяков 28.09.2011 18:10 Заявить о нарушении
Thank you for your comment. I understand what you are saying, so indeed
"dedicated" (as a transitive verb) say in "he dedicated this book to his mother" has a different meaning, but as adjectives ("a devoted nurse" "a dedicated friend") dedicated and devoted seem to mean the same: преданный. So, I think "dedicated" (4 syllables) should work (while I agree that "devoted" or "devout" would be better if had 4 syllables :-)
"Devoted to them herds", as well as "to them devoted herds", don't work since, frankly, they both should be "herds devoted to them".
Александр Гивенталь 29.09.2011 00:00 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 29.09.2011 04:24 Заявить о нарушении
Вячеслав Чистяков 29.09.2011 07:01 Заявить о нарушении
Людмила 31 29.09.2011 11:39 Заявить о нарушении
или от незнания, послушный проголосует за Брежнева (А за кого же еще?), преданный же (в Лермонтовском, ироническом смысле), даже когда ему плюнули в рожу, пойдет и проголосует за Путина.
Александр Гивенталь 02.10.2011 09:37 Заявить о нарушении
Людмила 31 02.10.2011 10:53 Заявить о нарушении
Мой вариант:
Farewell - unwashed for ages Russia,
The land of slaves, the land of lords!
And you - the blue uniforms, either,
And you - the faithful people's throng.
Perhaps, behind the wall Caucassian
I'll hide myself from Russia's tzars,
From their eyes, all-over-seeing,
From all-over-hearing ears thus.
Людмила 31 02.10.2011 11:47 Заявить о нарушении
Вячеслав Чистяков 02.10.2011 12:47 Заявить о нарушении
Людмила 31 02.10.2011 19:02 Заявить о нарушении
---
Этот вариант я просто предложила на основе первого,прекрасного во всех отношениях
Людмила 31 02.10.2011 19:12 Заявить о нарушении
I understand what you are saying (both - about Lermontov and Russian politics). Concerning Lermontov, I think that each "послушный" and "преданный" contains a stretch; "послушный" - which indeed goes well with "to gendarmes" - yet a call to become "непослушным" to the power would mean a call for a revolution, and I doubt that this is what Lermontov is doing; "преданный" is a stretch, because (you are right) masses cannot be devoted to gendarmes literally, but only indirectly - as to a symbol of power, or in quotation marks. (BTW, in the US - and in striking difference with Russia - the general public is quite supportive of police.) For example, Lermontov's sentiment of this kind could be addressed by Mandelstam, Ahkmatova, Tsvetaeva to the Soviet people, in whose name - and frankly, on whose whole-hearted approval -
Stalin's prosecution machine dealt with them, their loved ones, or their work. And in 1840, Lermontov could similarly complain about Bekkendorff's secret machine behind the forces of public order, the blue jackets. To reiterate: I think each variant makes sense, but with some reservations.
As about Russian politics: I don't live in Russia, and so don't know what's good for Russia and what's not (and in any way my opinion is superficial), but a public disclosure by the Prime Minister of his allegiance - not to the people, the country's security, economic well-being, internal stability, but - to his 3-year old promise to his political companion, would automatically, as one could expect, disqualify him for any elected post. But not in Russia, it seems.
If this were under pressure of a police regime, Lermontov could call it "послушание", but if, as you say, this is going to be the result of free expression of the people's will, this is what Lermontov would probably call "преданность" (in quotation marks, of course).
Александр Гивенталь 02.10.2011 23:47 Заявить о нарушении
Евгения Саркисьянц 03.10.2011 01:10 Заявить о нарушении
Farewell! - unwashed, indigent Russia,
The land of slaves, the state of lords,
And you, its navy-coated marshals,
And you, their amenable herds.
Perhaps, behind Caucasian ridges
I will be safe from your emirs,
From their all-overseeing preachers,
From their all-overhearing ears.
The other, "political" discussion, is most likely irrelevant for the word choice. I just find it amazing (and re-asserting relevance of poetry) that one word in a little rhyme written two centuries ago can in principle be connected to modern events and political debates. This is probably the reason why Russian poets of all eras were dangerous to the power authorities and prosecuted by them.
Александр Гивенталь 03.10.2011 03:28 Заявить о нарушении