Lord and Protector, Jesus Christ,
be my lodestar on this voyage
and keep me from the waves and demons of the sea!
I wanted to write the date and time first,
to have a proper diary,
but my watch has stopped and there is no calendar in my cabin.
Never mind, never mind.
I shall not go out, to mix with sinners on the deck!
Lord Jesus, help me keep calm, for I must try to love even them.
A difficult voyage. I long to join my brothers,
I long to kiss the hand of Father Superior.
I should never have left. Let the dead bury their dead, our Saviour said.
Indeed, indeed...
But now my last ties with the world have been severed.
I will not leave home again,
and I will not leave this cabin
until the ship docks.
…
It is not so bad here, thank God! I pace my small cabin,
the cheapest I could get. The window is round and tiny, with thick glass.
The glass is all scratched. I can't see much.
I forgot to wind my watch God knows how many days ago.
I don't even know if it is day or night. The same lukewarm light spreads in the air.
I haven't been out for many days. We must arrive soon.
I have all I need here. My Bible is here. I can study Holy Scriptures,
I can pray, and may God send his Angel to keep me company!
Oh! Tears stand in my eyes! Oh, sweet ecstasy! Truly, truly, one is never alone!
I must calm down. I must read the Bible. No, I am in no mood. Jesus, forgive me for this negligence! I shall read tomorrow. I think it is time to sleep.
…
Oh, Jesus, there is no peace even here! The sinners seek me out even here!
There is another cabin, next to mine, with people in it. I can hear them talk.
It is so distracting. I cannot pray.
There is a door between our cabins. I looked through the keyhole. A young couple.
O Lord Jesus! O Lord Jesus! I looked again.
The woman is attractive. Virgin Mary, save me! An expensive, close-fitting dress, with a fringe over her naked knees, a long string of pearls... Chestnut hair cut short. A bit snub-nosed.
I couldn't look any more. I prayed. I looked again.
She is very pretty indeed. Devil tempts me. Hush! Hush! Get thee behind me, I command thee!
Her companion seems younger. Nothing special about him. He is dressed simply, almost poorly. He surely cannot be her husband. Oh, sinners! Sinners! I shall pray for you! I feel exhausted. I am going to bed.
…
I couldn't sleep. I swore by the name of Jesus not to look through the keyhole again.
I looked. They were sitting on a bed, holding each other's arms.
Thick spots of light reflected from outside
fell on them and wobbled in nervous movements.
The woman's face flashed momentarily as a spot of light glided over it.
Then it went back into the shadows.
The man's face remained subdued, almost invisible.
They must have said all the words they had inside. They were waiting for the new ones to ripen.
…
I am thinking about her. It seemed to me I heard moaning last night.
I grated my teeth and tried to imagine the face of Mary, the Mother of Jesus,
but I couldn't. Oh, why, why did I go? What do I care what they might think of me,
if I didn't come to my father's funeral? What do I care? I looked through the keyhole.
…
I think they were making love again, God cleanse my vile tongue!
It was very quiet, but I am certain I heard moaning and rhythmic movement.
Oh, sinners! Oh, sinners!
But what if she is his wife? Still, it is so rude, with a God's holy servant in the next cabin.
I must speak to them. I must chastise this depravity!
My tongue, like a fiery scourge, will burn out the sin of their flesh!
I spent a long time at the keyhole. Couldn't see much. I was too upset.
…
No, it can't go on like this! They were arguing today.
I can't understand their language.
I crouched, my eye pressed against the keyhole.
All I could make out was that the woman was upset and wanted to leave,
but the young man wouldn't let her.
They spoke really loudly. Then he hit her! She began to cry.
O, bastard! O, beast!
I stood there, trembling. Should I go to them? Should I shout?
They were already kissing. The woman's arms were around that brute's neck,
her armpit gleaming like a lily.
I thought about the lily which the Archangel Gabriel brought to the Virgin,
and I was so ashamed I knelt and prayed.
…
The light in their cabin is the same as in mine.
…
Had lots of sinful thoughts today.
In the monastery, you are completely protected,
for angels surround it like a living fence,
their fingers rustle in every tree,
their eyes bloom on every bush,
their breath strokes your face when you step out into the yard.
You wash the floor, or work in the kitchen,
or pray in your cell, and everything is calm and proper.
All the Adversary can do is grin at you from far away,
his palate reddening during sunset
as the powers of Darkness rise from the ground and blacken the sky.
But here - I feel defenceless, almost naked.
I am surprised that Father Superior let me go so easily.
He should have known better. He heard my confessions.
I am weak, weak. O God, that moaning again!
These people are insatiable. Stop! Stop!
…
They speak too loudly. I can hear every word. I don't understand anything they say.
Lisa and I used to be like this. Arguing, quarrelling, then making peace...
Oh, what is it? I haven't thought of Lisa for years! I left all that behind long ago, I mustn't think about Lisa. She is gone a long time ago. Dear Lord, do you see what these sinners are doing to me? How they confuse my poor soul? Lord, do something! Smash them, show them your wrath!
I couldn't sleep again. I was thinking about Lisa. Is she in Heaven?
…
Is Lisa in Heaven???
…
My Lord has heard me. The door between our cabins is unlocked. I found out today, as I pressed my ear against the keyhole too strongly. The door creaked and opened a bit.
No, Archangel Gabriel himself must have stepped into my cabin at night,
with a key in his palm still gilded with the pollen of Mary's lily.
This is a sign. Nay, this is a miracle! O, God! I am crying again!
I must call those sinners to order. I can even take the woman here, to my cabin, to shelter her from her depraved companion. He wouldn't dare oppose me, for the powers of Heaven will stand by my side! The thought of having her here excited me so, I lay on the floor. My heart pounded like mad. Yes, for her protection. It is my duty. I am going.
…
Oh, those ugly, ugly, ugly people! No manners, no propriety!
I walked into their cabin. They were sitting on the bed, half embraced.
I stood in front of their very noses. I spoke to them.
I reproached them. I told them about their sinful life!
I exhorted them to repent, to save themselves from the burning oil of Hell!
They may not know my language, I can understand this,
but my face! My voice! They should have realised, they should have at least acknowledged my presence! No, not at all! They ignored me! They looked past me, as if I was not even there!
I turned around, I stomped off to my cabin. I wanted to slam the door, but it was too tight.
…
I am thinking about them, how they sat together.
Why didn't they look at me? Didn't they see me?
They seemed perfectly content. The man is very young indeed. He must be barely twenty. His face is already pale and stiffened, as happens to all faces of youngsters when they begin to make love. I remember when James, my brother, “became a man.” I knew at once. He looked different, as if a transparent stocking had been pulled over his face. Poor James... Lying somewhere in France... My face would have looked the same had Lisa lived to be my wife.
A tick, a stupid tiny insect... killed my Lisa.
O, dear Lord! Save our souls, give us strength! I am not angry, my Lord!
Be Thy will fulfilled! I obey, I submit to Thy judgement!
Let the jaws of Fate tear the flowing flesh of this time! I am assured of salvation!
Their legs were touching. Her face is indeed very beautiful. She must be in her late twenties.
Her naked knees gleamed like two hills strewn with first snow. I glanced at her breasts a few times. God forgive me, wretched sinner that I am!
…
They ignored me, and I am going to ignore them. I don't care any more what happens to their souls. Let the whole battalion of demons break into their cabin, I won't move a finger!
…
They may still come to apologise. Our Lord Jesus Christ forgave even His torturers. Who am I not to forgive? I spent all day near the keyhole.
…
They didn't come. All right, all right...
…
They must go out when I am asleep. I sit in my cabin because I can't be soiled by this ship's depravity. I can't possibly sit in that restaurant with those... God understands! Since I stepped into my cabin I never felt hunger, not even once! My faith is nourishing me.
But them... No one brings them food. They must eat at night.
The woman has a wedding ring on her finger. The young man has none.
She is married. He is her lover. It must be so.
…
At night I heard crying. At first I thought it was the woman alone,
but then I could discern two voices. They were both crying.
Forlorn, heart-wrenching sounds, sobs and wails...
How loudly people can cry, not afraid to be overheard!
I lay there, surrounded by the trembling greenish air,
and listened. They cried for a long time,
like two birds cooing over the fog-swaddled marsh,
and then they fell silent, both at once.
…
I can't stop thinking about her. She looks a bit like my Lisa,
only Lisa was sturdier and with lighter hair.
This one is delicate, almost frail.
She walks in that cabin like a tongue of greenish fire,
in her undulating dress.
A greenish fire that burns and burns.
I see that she has feelings for him, and this is painful,
as if Lisa herself is betraying me. What a silly thought!
The young man is rough. Yesterday he again shouted at her.
They must be Swedes or Russians. Who knows...
…
I can't crouch like this all day. My back hurts.
…
I have decided! I must save that poor woman!
I now see the hand of God in this whole situation!
God has led me here! I shall go in, I shall speak,
I shall proclaim the Sacred Word! She will understand!
The Holy Apostles preached in front of savages and those understood!
I shall explain to her that she is ruining her soul,
I shall confront that man
and take her away from him! I shall lead her in here
and lock this door forever and ever! I shall lock the door of her sin!
…
I am afraid. What if I do succeed?
Imagine her here! What shall I do, what shall I do?
My heart is racing, I cannot breathe.
I shall succeed! How can I not? Lord Jesus Christ will step in that cabin with me!
How can He fail???
Oh, I am not well. I need to lie down. I think I am hungry.
When, when shall we arrive?
…
I don't know what to say...
I don't know what just happened...
I did go, I did go!
They sat on the bed, in that sluggish pose
they had kept for several days.
I walked in bravely, I stood before them,
I told them that they were violating the sanctimony of marriage,
that they had to break at once the bond of lust enslaving them
through the disgusting desires of mortal flesh,
that I came to save them and take the woman away.
Nay, not I! The Christ Himself!
I spoke very well, gesticulating broadly, full of faith and fervour!
They didn't move an inch! They sat and sat, as if I was not there!
Rage overcame me! My cheeks were burning!
I didn't care about him. But she, she was ignoring me, too!
She just sat there, in her close-clinging dress,
with that pearl necklace wound around her neck!
And I hit her! Yes! Yes! I slapped that harlot, that whore!
Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! I can't move, my hands are trembling!
How many prayers will cleanse this? How many sleepless nights?
But... but the worst is still to come.
She didn't notice. She didn't notice even that.
She sat as before, looking away from her lover...
Her head was lowered, patches of her short hair clung to her cheeks,
as if a dark bird perched on the back of her head, its wings unfurled.
I returned to my cabin. I closed that door.
…
What is happening? Where am I?
Why don't they notice me?
I think I should go to the deck, after all.
I am going.
…
There is no need to worry. No need to worry.
I am calm. My faith is with me.
I couldn't open the door. The handle would not turn.
I looked through the peep-hole.
The air in the corridor was muddy, almost green.
Something blocked the view. It was a chair hanging in the air.
No, I must say it. The chair was not hanging. It was floating.
The corridor was filled with water.
Faint light spread in it like a threadbare fan.
I saw patches of shells and algae on the opposite wall.
Eventually I understood. I fell on the floor.
My belly contracted in vomiting spasms, but there was nothing in my stomach.
My eyes wanted to weep, but there was nothing in my eyes.
My blood curdled. I crawled into the corner,
put my palms over my eyes and lay there I don't know how long,
maybe, several days. Lisa, Lisa! Mother, where are you? Mother, mother!
Why are they not with me? Why are they not here?
When I think about my situation, something begins to change around me,
and I don't like this change. I am afraid to see.
The air in my cabin becomes dense, too hard to inhale,
and I feel how slimy and swollen my face is, but I am afraid to approach the mirror.
No, no, I mustn't think like this! I chase away these thoughts,
and the air becomes lighter. I am a passenger again.
Today, after much inner struggle, I peeked through the keyhole.
They were there. They sat on the bed.
The young man's arm was lying on the woman's shoulder.
He looked at her. She looked away.
Her stub-nosed, pretty face gleamed through the layers of light and water.
…
There are days when it is difficult for me
to keep my thoughts in check.
I spend those days with my eyes shut, crouched in the corner.
On those days I don't dare to look through the keyhole.
I want to see her as she was before, as she is whenever I reassert myself.
This is why they don't see me. We are on different ships.
Theirs is still sailing. Mine has arrived.