What is it that I am resisting?
What is it that I am resisting?
What is it that I am resisting?
I am resisting myself.
If I am going to do something really cool,
I am going to grow in my own eyes,
And I’ll have to cope with the high level of
Proficiency that I’ve established for myself.
And I don’t want it. I am afraid to be like that.
As then there will be more attention for me, more money,
More opportunities and more responsibility and more trust.
So, what is it that I am resisting?
My own growth and development and perfection. I am already like that:
So well qualified, perfect, harmonious, loving.
My resistance is in my own greediness, scrutiny and narrow mindedness.
I am too greedy to expose myself to life.
I keep myself for I don’t know whatever, economize on myself, so to say,
Trying to keep myself for real life, which will begin (or come), commence some when, somewhere, with me.
And what about now? What’s going on with me now? What am I doing now?
*Now I am writing a draft and living through a draft of my life, planning my real life, my full life,
Vivid, bright, full of love.
And then, once this …is completed, it will start, the real and good life. And there will be love and travel, everything is gonna be easy & beautiful delicate & warm, noble & elegant, prosperous, abundant & gorgeous, simple & harmonious.
But isn’t it a delusion.
It’s stupid to think like that.
To think, that soon it will be over, this period of life will pass and then!
At last it will come? The real, beautiful, fantastic, miraculous life, life just like in a fairy tale.
You don’t quite find words to describe my stupid narrow mindedness, dark ignorance, shallow dullness.
My life passes by, flows by, and I stay by and watch it passing by and think it’ll end up soon.
My life’s offering me here &now to live and breath with my full lungs, full breast, to see with wide open eyes, to hear with ears wide open, make with hands and fly with full wings, run & jump & dance, to sing with silver &be golden silent & listen to the breath of the Universe, to fly with my heart &&sing & enjoy every single moment of being.
And I sit aside & am afraid & sit & think that I am not ready or good enough or not ready yet & that I may fall and feel the pain, and that someone may get jealous or I may become arrogant and annoy someone.
Afraid that I won’t be able to do it at full speed, my feet may twist and get caught , that when I’ll fly up, I then will fall down and will break my neck & having not started , will fail.
And, having not commenced my path, already scared, that I may fail and hurt myself and break my neck. And I feel scared, scared, scared that I may fail, fail, fail.
What is it that I’m scared of? To die . But I will die anyway. So what for shall I live and preserve myself? For my death? What’s there? To start from scratch. Will have to pass my lessons all the same, again and most importantly, to keep my way direct and never step away.
To accept life and myself in it in all its beauty and adverse, accept what there is and isn’t in it.
To master my mind and open my heart. To hear the voice of my ego. Hear and clarify all voices inside. Where from and where to an what for are they sounding,
And ever after live here and now and not for someone else but for myself. And expose and open myself to life & feast & love.
To live and breath and love and be compassionate. To share myself every second, no every fracture of a moment give myself away to me and all the world and living thing around.
As everything is so complete & fulfilled and tied so tightly so closely.
To breath and feel myself as part of all, united, bigger Universe. To live here & now and feel and experience things as my own breath. Every moment of my being.
Silently, as the snow is falling down on Earth.
Ïåðåâîä ìîåãî äðóãà Äìèòðèÿ Âàñèëüåâà.