SUNRISE
„The darkest hour is just before the sunrise.“
Headache. A horrible headache, my head is getting torn to pieces; even I don’t know how I should lie, so that it’ll go back a little. It’s great that you are here with me; I think I’d go crazy without you. What are you saying? I can’t hear what you’re saying, not a word. And why do you have such a sad face? Has something happened? Ah, really, I’m lying in a hospital, this scent of medicines, soaked into these fiscal blankets and sheets. Even the ceiling paint must stink after castor oil or something like that. I have such a mess in my head. What has happened with me? Will you sit with me here, ok? Because I feel somehow unwell.
O God! I remember! We have struck that car, the dark-blue one… Oh, it’s horrible to remember… And my headache grows stronger… The breaks were squealing like hell – or was it me screaming? I don’t remember now… The glass splits have exploded like a fountain… Look, my hands are almost not cut, just a couple of cuts and bruises. Yes, and then at once I was pushed forward, and I think I have bumped my head or no, maybe my whole body, like a truck fell down on me, and there was a lot of pain, so much pain… And I don’t know what was after that. But it’s great that you are ok. But why do you have such a sad face? It’s a pity I cannot talk, I would ask you. But maybe you can read my thoughts? Why then I don’t hear what you reply? Some micro scheme must have cracked in my head after I bumped it… Imagine I would become a psycho? Ha-ha-ha. You’re not laughing. It’s not funny for you, is it? Well, actually it’s not a funny topic. Anyway, the main thing is – we’ve survived.
Hey, look, people have come running. It seems to me I must know them, but somehow I can’t remember. They’re looking at me, smiling, saying something. And they have the same sad faces like you have. And they don’t look at you at all. What the hell, she has nearly sat down on you! And I can’t say anything. Like a dog. Although dogs can understand one at least. And I can’t even this. Terrible condition.
Enough, I don’t want to try to understand them any longer, if I can’t hear a sound. I’ll turn away from them, I’ll better look at you. You’re so handsome… Your hair is golden; your eyes are clear and blue. It’s great that you didn’t get injured in that accident. Danny, I love you. I’ll try to say it. Dan-ny… Oh, what a voice! Like a drunken ill beggar. Dan-ny… Don’t. Go. A. Way. Stay. He. Re. Please. Oh, it’s so hard, the words seem to be made of lead, heavy, uncomfortable. My lips can’t spit them out. The words get stuck between my teeth with their letters. Dan. Ny. I. Love. You. Damn, it was something like “Nan Ar lah… yu…”. Horrible. I’m helpless like a baby. You’re shaking your head and smiling. You’re smiling, at last, it means, everything will be well, I’ll get better and we’ll go to the river with you. You remember, near the bridge, where the swans were? We have promised them to come there one year later. It’s already soon.
Why are all of them running around me, so frowned and scared? Look how much pain they have in their eyes. This woman has stepped on your place, has hidden you behind her. What do they all want from me? I’m tired. I want to sleep. Danny, lie down near to me, put your arm around me, I will get stronger with you.
I can already speak, hear a little bit and eat – not myself yet, but no more through tubes and cords. You see, it’s so quickly, less then a week – and already so big successes. It’s because you are here with me, otherwise I wouldn’t like to live any more. Danny, my golden angel, my beloved man, don’t look so sad, better smile and sit down with me. You’ve started to come more seldom lately. No-no, it’s not a reproach; I know you have other things to do, except of treating a half-dead body here. By the way, thanks for bringing me to this hospital, the staff is good here and I feel better. I wonder what you have been doing lately. I want to talk to you, I’ll try to produce some hoarse sentences: Danny, how is our car? Will we throw it out? How is Rexy? Has he missed me, my fluffy-eared wonder? Don’t forget to buy him bones twice a week; he needs bones, because his teeth are right now growing… Well, you know… You are nodding, it means everything is well, is alright. I want to sleep again. They say the more I sleep the better I recover.
Danny, where are you? It’s so dark here and nobody is there. Danny, I’m scared, where are you? Please, come. Here you are, at last. Danny, hold me in your arms, I’m so much scared. Today your Mom and sister came, they smiled first, asked about my health and so. And then I asked them to remind you about the bones for Rexy – and they shuddered first, looked at each other, and then… Danny, I’m scared, I want to cry… And then your Mom took my hand and started saying something. And I couldn’t understand. So she wrote three words on a piece of paper. Terrible words. “DANNY IS DEAD”. You see, I’m crying already. How could you die, if you are here, with me? They’re lying, all of them are just stupid liars! Danny, honey, is it true that they are lying? And why? I got angry then, through the paper out and told them they are liars. Helen jumped up and ran onto the corridor, and your Mom got pale, pressed my hand and shook her head. And then she started crying. Dan, your Mom has never lied to me before. Why are they doing it?
My God, I’ve made your whole shirt wet. Don’t let me go, hold me like that. Do you remember how we were sitting just like that in Paris near some small lake, we were just married at that time and you have made such a present for me? D’you remember? It was so sweet. I have made a small crown for you out of dandelions. And we were thinking of a name for our baby. Danny, let us – when I get healthy again – let us have a baby, ok? I want a son with your eyes and your smile, and he will be also so kind and strong like you are. Ok? No, no, I’m not scared any more. I’m with you and I feel good, because you are here and you are only mine. If all of them don’t believe in you – you will be only mine. Daniel. Danny. Dan… My sweetest, my dearest, my loveliest, my only one… Danny…
You’ve come so late today and I wanted to tell so many things to you. Everyone is gone already, the nurse has also just gone out. Listen, how do you manage to come into the hospital when the doors are shut? Will you show me your secret way out? I will run away from here when I get a bit healthier.
I had such a strange day today. I woke up in the morning with a feeling that I had lost something or forgot something very important. And the whole morning I was lying and trying to remember. You know, I’ve remembered about so many funny things. When we made ships from paper and let them sail on the river and the sea-gulls hunted them. And also when I was little and was riding a horse for the first time and dived with the aqualung at 16. And also I remembered how you were carrying me into the bedroom after the wedding and I was afraid that you will bump me against something and you’ll get upset having forgotten that it will hurt me as well. And also I’ve remembered where I put your skiing gloves – we have looked for them the last time and couldn’t find them. We just had to look into the box near the scarf, and not behind it. Can you imagine that? And I was lying and trying to remember and I didn’t succeed to remember that something. My name? No, I remember my name and how old I am. Don’t make me laugh, it hurts still a little bit.
Yes, and then Helen came in, with a strange fire in her eyes. She was sitting here for a long time and it became unpleasant for me that she was staring at me like that; suddenly I felt a strong wish that she should go away. She has never liked me, because she thought, I have taken you away from her. Little silly girl, she still can not understand that brother’s love can’t be compared with the love of a man towards a woman. You should visit them more often and talk to her; she has such a prickly age now. So, she was sitting like that and then suddenly started searching for something in her bag and then almost threw a package of photos over my knees. And you know what was there? My, I start crying again, I don’t mean to, but the tears are running on their own. So, there was a photo of a grave, and on the grave stone there was your name and surname. You know? Daniel C. B…, 1977 – 2005. Danny, why is she so angry? Why does she hurt me like that? Maybe she’s angry that you come to me, and not to her? I’ve almost believed her then and I felt very bad. I had no air to breathe, my heart was aching and ready to jump out – and she, as if happy over my pain, put one more photo over all the rest, but I… I don’t remember what was there. Something horrible and scary… And I lost my mind totally. I came to myself later here and the nurse told me that I started shouting after looking at that picture, I kicked Helen, scratched her, fell down from the bed, broke the table lamp and cut myself and started running all over the room, stained with blood. It’s impossible, Danny, It can’t be – I’m such a calm person usually. What was there on that photo? And the nurse said also that the doctor has scolded Helen for scaring me. Even he forbade her to come to me again. He shouldn’t have done it like that, let her come – but without scaring me again. And still I can’t believe I could make such a mess. But it’s true, look, the table lamp is different, that one was blue, and this one is white. And it’s good like that; I didn’t like the blue one anyway.
And then, already in the evening, a girl of about 7 came to my room – a nice pretty girl with a doll and very lively eyes. Oh, I would like to have a daughter like that one day – your daughter. And she came up to my bed, sat down carefully on the bed edge and asked with a thin voice: “Miss, why does Uncle Mike say that you are crazy?” Uncle Mike must be the hospital assistant Mike, a guy from the village with a strange tactlessness. But it doesn’t matter. So I told her that it must be because I see my dearest person and no one else sees him. And she looked at me so seriously, and then asked to tell me something in the ear. I nodded, and she told me with her hot childish whisper that she also has an invisible friend who isn’t seen by anyone but her. But she is not crazy! So I’m not crazy as well. I smiled at her and said that I won’t tell anyone about this secret, it will be only ours. I wanted so much that you would come at that moment, I’m sure she would see you. But you didn’t.
And then her mother came, said she was sorry for disturbing and took her away. And somehow I got very troubled after her leaving. Something happened that put the anxiousness and fear into me. And I can’t escape them still. Will you stay with me tonight? I feel scared. Just like that, be near to me, ok? Thank you.
Dan, Danny, where are you? My God, I need you now, where are you? I need you like I never did before… Why aren’t you coming?
What a horrible dream… It’s not a dream, is it? It was like that in reality. The whole accident in the smallest details. There is a doctor now sitting in front of me, maybe a psychologist or psychiatrist. He’s trying to tell me something but I’m not listening, I’m thinking about that dream. I remember everything, up to the smallest details. How I caught hold of my seat when I saw the boot of that dark-blue Toyota which we were approaching with a horrifying speed. I remember I got scared because we didn’t fasten the belts although we always used to before. I remember your pale face and pressed lips; you shouted something to me, something like “Take a hold!” – and then that awful stroke. And everything like in a slow TV-film – the fountain of glass splitters, and the jerk forward, where the frontal glass used to be, another stroke, one more, one more again, many-many strokes and I got between these metal surfaces like between the grinding stones and it seems to me I had to be smeared over these metal giants long before. And then comes pain, like a spark, a fire over the whole body, inside and outside – and I fall down, I’m lying and I’m afraid to open my eyes. And then I hear voices, cries and I feel I’m lying ob something wet. I try to open my eyes and it doesn’t go well because something fluid covers them, doesn’t let them open. And still I fight this cover because I need to see what is with you…
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA… The cry tears my throat, I am this cry… My world is breaking down from what I see… Your face near to me – DEAD! Your eyes don’t have life in them any longer. Your neck that I liked to kiss – it’s torn and blood is flowing from it like a river, covering everything and my eyes as well… I don’t want!!! I don’t want to see it! Don’t want to believe it! Don’t want to know it! I don’t want!!!! You are not dead, you couldn’t die. This soulless body, blood-stained and broken – it’s not you, it cannot be you! And this is where I lost consciousness then…
And this is where I woke up today. And the whole day I’m walking and trying to understand, was it reality or just a dream? If it’s true who was holding me in his arms all these nights in the hospital, who if not you was sitting with me, whose hands if not yours was I kissing? And if it is just a dream why is it so painful and empty inside in my heart?
It turns out I was telling all these thoughts aloud and the doctor was sitting and listening. He looked at me, and in his eyes I read sad understanding and sympathy. And I understood that it was no dream. And I cried out. My cry like a cry of a new-born pushed my consciousness woke it up from the dream – and everything was on their places now. I remembered that in the yesterday’s photo which horrified me you were lying there near to me, on the accident place, all in blood; actually not you but your body only. And I understood, I was just lying to myself trying not to believe that you are gone.
The doctors came running having heard my cries. They gave me an injection, must have been something sedative, for sure. I’m sleeping, I’m falling asleep. It’s so bad, the whole world, I don’t want to wake up into this world without you. I want to come to you…
Danny… Hmmmmm… It’s you again and again you’re kissing me when I’m still sleeping. Danny, it’s a dream, isn’t it? Yes, I know, it’s just a dream, I remember everything, I know you are gone. Danny, come here, sit near to me, give me your hand. Look into my eyes. Yes, you’ve got it right. Take me with you, please. I don’t want to live here without you, can you hear me? Take me with you. Let me just die calmly now in my dream, let my heart collapse or something. Why are you shaking your head? I can’t be without you here, Dan. I just can not. You are my world, my life, my everything. I want to come to you. I don’t want to stay here. Why didn’t I die with you? We should both lie with broken necks but we would be together now… You don’t want? It’s still not my time? But it’s unfair, Danny, I love you!! Isn’t it possible to make an exception for the sake of our love?
Impossible. You are shaking your head, and there is pain in your eyes. I understand. It’s not you who decides.
Then why were you coming to me all these nights? Just teasing? Lying? Why? I’m crying again, even in a dream, and again your shirt – or whatever the angels have on – is all wet. Why, Danny?
You’re putting your arms around me and suddenly I understand. It’s because I wouldn’t recover without it, I wouldn’t want to. It means there is something I haven’t finished in my life yet, there is still something to do here.
I understand.
Thank you, my darling, thank you. Wait for me. I’ll understand what I still have to do in this world, I’ll do it and I’ll come back to you. But please come to me at least in the dreams, at least sometimes, ok? It will be hard for me otherwise.
I love you, my dear Danny. Good-bye…
In 3 weeks I found out that I was pregnant, the 8-th week already…